Are you justified to have additional sexual partners if your main partner (husband or wife) refuses to have sex with you?
Read J’s story as he explains why he has multiple concurrent partners.
He says:
“No, I don’t feel guilty. As I’m saying, you’ve talked to the person. You have involved the family and you have gone to the right structures trying to overcome the problem. She doesn’t want to. So, what should one do?”
J’s story was initially published by Health-e, is also published on AllAfrica.com
Talk about it
What should J and his wife do to overcome their problem? Share your views in the comments section of this post.
13 Comments
Wow reading J’s story, its a good job his wife does not want to have sex with him, at his rate he may end up with Aids, on and off using protection to his fancy, rather the wife stay away as she might also end up with it. Interesting story.
There’s a lot of it about – go onto the dating websites and see who is advertising themselves on those as married but wife does not supply, so they are looking for sex partners ONLY, no strings! To be honest, I don’t agree with him – he has a hand doesn’t he? He sounds like an uncaring scumbag.
I have no idea from the article how long he has been married to this lady nor why she apparently stopped having sex with him after only three months – several scenario’s could play out here, but if he has been with one other lady for 19 years then I would assume he has been playing away from home at least that long.
Maybe his wife doesn’t care and is glad he does play away from home even, but if I were her I wouldn’t want to sleep with him either, even if he ws the best lover on earth, if he is playing around like that – if I knew, or suspected!
Nope, she can pack her bags and leave…… or he can pack his bags and leave…..
Hi Damaria
I just read the article. And first of all – EUWW!
Second of all in my opinion – NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!
If a wife refuses to sleep with her husband, there must be a reason.. Anyways, I don’t believe that she does not want help. Maybe if he tried a little harder or maybe if had a little more compassion, they can both resolve the issue. Besides – it’s only been six months…
Of course, it’s only my opinion…
J sounds awful – he needs to resolve his conflict with the words he must have said (and hopefully meant) when he got married, like faithfulness, respect, communication etc. A lover for 19 years?? Using a condom ‘sometimes’? No thanks
Why is his wife still with him? If 3 months after the wedding she 1) was not sexually attracted to him or 2)could not sleep with him for whatever other reason, or 3) cannot ask for help from elders or professionals, I’m becoming less inclined to feel sorry for her. Playing games and with-holding is hardly the solution. AND I’ve also noticed that the philandering, whiny husband is the one who has published this story, not her?
So, I’d like to ask wives or husbands who have, at some stage in their marriage, refused to have sex with their partners to tell us their story.
We’re not talking about temporary situations, like when you’re not in the mood tonight, or you’re so stressed this week the idea of sex sounds like one more chore.
We’re talking about a consistent refusal; for weeks, months or even years.
* Tell us why you refused to have sex with your partner, even though you don’t want to be divorced from him/her either.
* Do you think he/she’s getting the sex somewhere else?
* If so, how does that make you feel?
* How do you plan to resolve the problem?
mu hubby level was very low.. 204, when they should had been 350 or higher.. there is a patch for men. to make those levels go up. to help them have a sex drive..i am his 3rd wife.. we r 31 and 33. too young to go only 20 times in the 1st 2 years of being togethere. i use to hear, i’m tired. this and that.. all kinds of excuses.. he told me that when he was with his ex wife… he wanted a child. she already had 1.. and he wanted 1 of his own.. went to the doc and said his sperm was low.. i dont beleave him.. i think he couldnt get her pregant because of low sex drive.. we had sex 8 times last year. he might od got off 4 times out of those eight.. and i know it isnt nothing to do with me.. i was with my x hubby 4 8yrs.. he never had a problem with that.. and in july of last year we had sex..1st time in 3 months.. we got pregant.. so his sperm couldnt be too slow.. we were planning to get married.. so we went and got married anyways.. he told me.. u will see now.. we will have sex more now that we r in the same home.. nope!! now it was your pregant.. what if i hurt the baby.. i got really pissed.. and said u go 2 the doctor have them check your levels. and see what the hell is wrong with u..that i love u..but this shit will get very old too me.. so he did.. he kept the patch on.. it help with being tired.. and muscle mask.. and being a lil big. he didnt need no help with the last part.. then i heard.. well we still cant do anything.. the patch isnt good with pregant women.. it cant touch u.. it will hurt the baby if it touches u.. he was right it can.. but it didnt take a smart person to know. after u take a shower.. dont put a new 1 on.. wait till that morning to put a new 1 on..this was only after a few months of having it on.. he said he could tell it was working.. cause he wasnt so tired.. i didnt see anything..so i let him know.. keep it on… i will not hit on u.. no women want to begg and cry for there hubby to make love to them..i know i’m a pretty women. i see men look at me.. and try to flirt with me..so i told him.. after this baby comes.. i hope u come around. i will not hit on u..2 wks before i had the baby.. doc toke me off work, cause the baby was coming butt first.. and he was going on vacation.. so i stayed home. he came back.. my baby never turned. so we had a csection..he went off his patch the last 2 wks before i had the baby.. 9 wks past after having are son.. he was so happy.. cause he thought he would never have 1..i toke some very cute pics for him.. and u think since our son was 9 wks… he would say.. i would love for u to take some pics 4 me.. hint around he wanted me..nope! so i told him.. why r u not on ur patch. he tried to say he didnt have the money to buy them.. i saod come on.. they r 10 dollars after INS. so he couldnt use that excuses.. when did u stop using them/ hge said 2wks before u had the baby..i got mad.. i said i told u.. now i know why your exes cheated on u.. and he needed some real help.. when one partner trys really had,,just to see no hope.. it pushes her away..and if u dont go get help..i told him.. u know i say i let stress go by cleaning or singing or sex or love making.. i have done enough cleaning the whole time i was pregant.. my karaoke is broke now.. and if u dont love3 me enough to go get help.. why should i stay.. just to keep beleaving your lies.. hell no.. get help.. or the next time your mom tells me she want the baby to come stay with her.. i will take her up on it.. and i’m going out. and condoms will be going with me..i will let my long blond hair done.. and i will sing and find me a tall drink of water.. and come home and tell u.. and u can hear my excuses. oh my tire went flat.. he is just a friend.. all those bs excuses. i’m too young.. he said lisa. i dont want our son not to have us.. and i said. and i dont want him to see us fight over not showing motions for each other..that we would be better as friend. cause that what we had become.. GET HELP OR I’LL HELP U OUT THE DOOR!. I DONT LIKE BEING A BITCH! AND BEING DEPRESSED.. I LOVE BEING LOVED ON.. AND YOU MADE OUT THIS AND THAT..AND I BELEAVED U.. U WILL NOT KEEP ME!.. REMEMBER U GET THE BIG D.. ITS ON U PARTNER.. NOT UR KIDS..SO I HOPE I GOT THROUGH.. I GUESS I WILL SEE THE NEXT FEW MONTHS.. IF NOT IT WILL BE OVER..
its not about who wants what at what time but its about compromise. people should learn to apreciate ones desires or feelings.As for women i believe they sometimes use sex an an intrument to punish men who might have hurt them somehow. both partners must sit down and discuss therir differences
@Kenny – Amen!
My wife told me my wanting to have sex with her on a regular basis mader her feel like a whore. I explaind that my emotional closeness to her came via us having sex. She said she understood but she still feels like a whore and all i want is sex from here. So i apologized and said i would never pressure or ask for sex that makes her feel like a whore. She thanked me and figured she won the battle of her husband wanting sex with her on a semi-regular basis. Be careful what you wish for, in order not to make you feel like a whore i have stopped all touching less a quick kiss goodby when i leave for work. That is the ONLY touching i feel comfortable with as it is almost non sexual and more like friends. It took wife about 7 months to realize that i was keeping my promise and i would never initiate any type of sexual contact. Sex now became her domain, she decided if we were to have sex and i would perform my husband duties. When she finally realized what was going on she was upset that i never touched her. I explained i was giving her exactly what she wanted. Lots of back pedeling as she didnt mean it. I pointed out exactly what she said and how happy she was to hear i woyld never initiate sex with her. Still more back peddeling but i made my oromise so its done. She complains how i dont give her back rubs or hold her hand or tell her i love her. Thats the price for not making you feel like a whore i reply. Today is our 15 wedding anniversary and she us upset i didnt plan anything special. Dont want to chance it and make you feel like a whore and why cant you do something special…..why is it always the mans responsibility? I only need to hold out 32 more days and it will be a solid year of no sex with wife. Thata my goal, no sex with wife. Once that power was taken away from her i dont have to listen anymore about how i might get lucky, or if i do everything she wants she might put out or how i worked really hard and now i’ll be rewarded. I found out that if she doesnt have the power of sex she lost something huge that she use to control. Most men couldnt stand to a woman and say FINE NO SEX IT IS. But those who do will crush your womans ego that she controls the access to sex. Its not easy but i sleep better not being manipulated anymore.
I’m in my 60s and married 40 plus years and my husband refuses to be intimate, have sex with me. He says I’m boring and chore to be with. We hadn’t had sex, intimacy and the no touch approach for 25 years. And before that we had sex maybe 25 times. He came down with E/D early and refused to get help. I kept telling him I have needs, I was told not to whine and go else where to scratch your need.
The worst thing hes done is he went on vacation without me and when he came back home he had gotten himself fixed. Now there is no way for him to have sex with me or anyone. He is so proud of himself. I’m crushed, lonely, and depressed. Weve had no kids or sex, I’m still a virgin. May be my life will end today.
I am having the same problem, the woman I am about to marry controls the sexual aspect of the relationship and I am thinking of not proceeding with the marriage- havent cheated and am scared that I might cheat if things continue like this. The solution is maybe to walk away from her- she knows nothing about compromise and I dont ask for sex everyday. I am so sad by the whole thing, but its ok I guess.
I’ve been in the same situation, years of honesty years of openness, children together then one day it stops. I tell her it’s a process not an event, she doesn’t understand..We talk about it, and talk about it and talk about it and talk about it…A good 2 years of both positive and negative discussions about sex with and without counseling..
I have come to the conclusion that a dumb woman will never stop and think of a situation from the shoes of someone else when asked or not, when they try they put up mental barriers as to deflect all situations which would put them in the wrong. Resulting in ZERO understanding and residual conflict….
Mirriam Webster states infidelity is explained as marital unfaithfulness…
Thus meaning it is impossible to commit an act of infidelity unless married…
However oxford has it written as “the state of being unfaithful to a sexual partner”…
If you’re not having sex with your wife..she’s not your sexual partner, you’re simply cohabitant adults with legally bonded possessions.