What would you do if you suspected that your partner was cheating on you?
Would you ask your partner about it?Do you think that he/she would tell you the truth if he/she was cheating on you? Or would you stay quiet about it because you know it will just cause fights in your relationship and solve nothing?
Would you try to find out who the man/woman is and confront him/her?
Is there an understanding between you and your partner that you do not have to be faithful to each other? How did this understanding come about?
Do you think that men and women react differently if they find out that their partners are cheating on them?
Tell us how you would deal with the situation by leaving a comment at the end of this post.
You can comment to address the questions, or to tell us your story ( or your friend’s story) or to even refer us to resources that can help couples deal with the situation.
23 Comments
firstly, why a pix of a man with his trousers down? why not a shared pix with a woman and her panties down, and this quite often is the case.
I would make a 100% sure that I know he/she is cheating, and then if sure would ask them to leave asap or leave myself, whichever way round depending on whose house it is.
I think cheating is not the order of the day, it ruins trust and if you do not have trust in a relationship then you do not have respect and if you do not have respect then you have an abusive relationship, and then you can actually get to like being kicked around, so all round – cheating is out!!
Hi Lynn
Well spotted! The easy answer to your question is that I only had the pic of the man with his pants down. But you also caught me in a stereotype. Quite often, there is a perception among women that “men cheat on their partners” and we don’t talk about the fact women also cheat on their partners.
First of all, merely ‘suspecting’ and not knowing for sure implies that someone is not communicating somewhere; someone is not doing what they’re supposed to do or is doing something that is not expected of them (which of course bring us back to lack of communication). If I thought my husband was cheating on me, I would ask him right out and us knowing each other as we do; I know he would tell me the truth even if it hurts either of us. (i.e if it’s true, which would hurt me or if it’s not and he’s hurt at my lack of faith in him). A cheating partner can be the fault of one or both partners so if I knew for sure that he cheated, I would probably try and find out why – was it something I did not do? Or something I couldn’t have done anything to avoid?
From there, if it’s his fault in totality, he’s out without negotiation. I never compromise – if he has disrespected me like that out of greed, lack of discipline or control, lack of consideration, lack of desire or whatever reason he has which is centred around ‘him’, then I have no business being in that relationship. However, If I did something or didn’t do something to have avoided it, then we both would have to address that issue – counselling, better communication, more engagement in our relationship or whatever it took to make things better.
Boring and long-winded? Probably But I feel that I have invested a lot in our relationship and marriage and it’s worth every bit of inconvenience or irritation to make sure egoes and pride don’t get in the way. And after the long, exhausting, emotional rollercoaster of a wedding day that we had, I honestly don’t think that I could handle another one! Or afford it:-)
In this society there are so many things that one can do…
we try & exercise communication with my partner. how else would you know that there is something wrong in the relationship. I trust that he wont cheat & that is a choice that I made. he knows I trust him & respect him. I don’t see a reason that he would cheat.
if it ever comes to that, i will pack up & leave, what chances are there that he wont do it again. the trust will be broken & he will be jeopardising my life, health & respect I have for him. I wish other women could do the same. there wont be high rate of abuse, transmitted disease & hurt & anger amongst our women.
@ Happily married and Katey – I think it’s good that you both highlight communication as an important aspect of a trusting relationship. Katey, I think it’s also interesting that you recognise that TRUSTING HIM is a choice that you make, and you RESPECT him and expect the same from him.
Hi there
Yes i also c only the man pic, but if this happens to me I Will try to talk to him and find out exactly what is wrong in our relationship and c if we can both try to fix it.
I am still young and about to get married to the man I love most, trust and care dearly about.
Hi There,
I think the one thing that most people or couples dont understand is what exactly do we mean by the word COMMUNICATION. As a guy i know that most men lack and hate to express themselves and show emotions, even when they are going through turmoil in their relationships. They then resort to go out and find that one thing that they afraid to voice out to their partners, and we all know what’s that…..SEX with other woman. I think its very important for us to know our partners, be able to detect when they not happy and then open the platforn to communicate.
Senchez, you raise a very important issue about what commnication means for men and women.
I want to throw that issue back into the table and ask, what does communication mean for men? How can a woman help her man communicate more effectively with her??
I hear what every one is saying,you know what once a cheater always a cheater.I mostly blame us ladies we get involved with the guys knowing very well that they are involved with someone else,all the guys have to do is tell a lie that they intend to leave the present partner and we fall for it,and the financial state of us ladies plays a big role,on the other hand love has nothing to do with money.Its us who let them do this to us.anyway if you have proof that he is cheating,leave him before you loose your self respect,dignity,pride and your self in the prosess,lets stop making excuses for them lets say no to sharing our men.
Hi again
were can one get a couple counselling?
Hi maphi
I’ll respond directly to you because we have not published the counselling resources on the site. It depends on location.
Hi,
I think the most important subject in a relationship is communication. Things tend to fall apart when this is not there or there’s little of it leading to miscommunication,doubt,trust issues etc….
Through trial and error ,i’ve learnt that talking,listening and just sharing ideas with your partner goes a long way. Problems always come up,mistakes happen but the important thing is how you learn from those and move forward as a couple.
This brings me to how VCT was introduced and why now i’m advocating for Couples HIV Counseling and Testing. It makes sense why couples need to be tested together rather than as individuals. This is going to minimise the spread of HIV and equip the couple with the necessary skills of sorting their problems together.
i was happily married, fully trusting ad devoted, only to wake up in the middle of the night one day to find him in bed with the maid i paid to take care of the kids. All of my trust was broken and i was confused that day, coz everything seemed to be fine and i dint know why? Cutting the long story, i am with him and i do not trust him but he tries so hard to make it work. I love him and i cant leave him. I c he tries but the fact that on that day i failed to understand him, sometimes he is like a stranger. But i forgave him, no more bitterness in me but still i think this guy can kill me, he can bring HIV to me, but he is the superman of my kids. Its horrible having to live with someone yu do not trust. i think if you can, leave.
@maiT – that is such a sad, sad, story. Did you guys get counselling; maybe communicate about what drove him to have sex with your helper and what to do so it does not happen again? Have you discussed protection ( ie. use of condoms?).
damaria, i fail to understand men. Of course i asked why, and he tells me even 5 years from that day that he doesnt know what came over him. We have another baby now from that time but now i see clearly why culture is killing most women. After that happened, its my first time disclosing this even though it has hurt me so much. you might ask why but thing is i can not humiliate him the way he humiliated me. i truly love him thats why i gave him a chance. The question is for us married women, how can i ever tell a guy is truly faithful to me?. the thing is even if you get tested, someone can go out and bring HIV for you during the window period. Where can yu run to,people lie (both men and women), since im not God. i will never be able to tell.
Where can I buy the antiviral drug, wihtout going to the doc and getting tested, i need tobe discreet
Its a really bad idea to buy Anti retrovirals without a doctor’s supervision! Any visit to a doctor is private, but dont delay life saving treatment!!
@unknown – I asked Soul City to assist with your query, and Dr. Sue Goldstein, senior executive of South African programmes responded and said:
It is a very bad idea to try to get anti-retrovirals without the care
of a doctor. In addition to that, it is illegal.
Your best option is to find a doctor or
health service that you can trust and do it properly.
It sounds like you haven’t yet been tested or had your CD 4 count done, and all this is
necessary to start ART.
BUT dont let this delay your getting help and
if necessary getting onto treatment that will save your life if you need it.
If you are not sure where to go phone the AIDS helpline 0800-012-322.
I would also like to add to Sue’s answer, to address your need for discretion, by reiterating that doctors and medical professionals are legally bound to keep your HIV status confidential. So they will not and cannot tell anyone without your consent.
I’m currently involved with a man who has three kids,(all of them stay with their paternal granny) two from his previous marriage and the wife has passed on and one after the one has passed away. He has ended the relationship with the mother of his last born son but they maintain contact with each other frequently and for no apparent reason at all bcoz the baby stays with his paternal grandmother and she has made it clear that 4 anything that concerns the baby she must be contacted. One day I visited my “fiance” in his apartment and found three used condoms in our bin. he admitted that the mother of his child was there but only to collect her CV (why in ur house-Don’t know?. I believe he slept with her and for the fact that he was able to lie to me about it, I believe he is still sleeping with her as I always find call-backs from her ex on his phone the whole time. He has paid Lobola for me and um three months pregnant with his child. Um so confused right now. two days ago we moved to our new house and it was not exciting at all 4 me coz i can’t stop thinking about what he did and um scared he will bring her to our house. I think um gona have to end this relationship because the last thing I need right now is stress..Having him in my life is not helping me at all!!!!
@Lee- Don’t take hasty action, especially as he has paid lobola, you live together and are expecting a child.
a) Find out for sure whether your partner is having a sexual relationship with his ex.
b) Talk to him about your suspicions, to give him the chance to admit it or deny it.
c) Get help. Even if you are unable to get proof that he is cheating on you, you should both get couple counselling, especially as you are considering breaking off the relationship.Ask your health worker to refer you to a counsellor. You can also contact your local FAMSA office for assistance.
If he refuses to get couple counselling and/you end up breaking up anyway, get help for yourself. You do need the tools to be able to handle the stressful situation anyway.
I’m also assuming that you have tested for HIV as matter of course, due to your pregnancy. If not, talk to your health worker about it, and your concerns that your partner has a relationship with someone else.
@Damaria: I think um gona give our relationship another chance, but now it is difficult for me to Trust him. I have thought about counselling but then again I thought he won’t go as he does not see this as a problem. We have talked about the contacts he makes with his ex and agreed that they shud stop (But its up to him, hey). Will definately suggest counselling, so I can get help with my issues of trust. On my birthday, he wanted to propose, he had the ring and had said all the love words and just b4 he cud say the four words I stopped him and now i wish I hadn’t, coz he is no longer talking about it.
@Lee – One of the biggest steps you can take is to get help from a professional. Your story raises a number of issues which a conversation online cannot help you adequately with.
For example, issues of trust. Whether he is having a sexual relationship with his ex and what this means for your relatonship your health and the health of your unborn child(aka is he always using a condom when he is with her? If not, are you at risk of being exposed to HIV?)
I have attached a link to the contact details of FAMSA, so you can call your local office and set up meeting.
http://www.famsa.org.za/contact.asp
If you’re not comfortable to physically see someone yet, call LifeLine. The counsellors will be very happy and able to chat through some of the issues that concern you. And you can remain anonymous, if you’re not yet comfortable talkig about your issues in person.
One of the issues they deal with is emotional wellness, and for the price of a phone call ( cheaper at night, hey?) you have access to a trained individual who can help you feel better, and identify steps you can take to remain well.
http://www.lifeline.org.za/default.aspx?link=site_home
For our readers in Southern Africa who may need some counselling check out LifeLine International.
http://www.lifeline.web.za/
I recently found evidence that my husband is cheating on me after i saw an MMS with a picture of the womanand as well as an sms from him declaring how much he loved her. I was very hurt and left the house to take adrive to clear my mind and because i showed the evidence to his brother who was visiting us at the time of the incident he woke him up after i left and confronted him about the situation.
He tried calling me but i was too hurt to even answer his phone and i eventualty returned home after crying my self for 2 hours until i could not cry anymore.
I confronted him and he admited to everything i saw and i asked him what was he not satisfied with from me, he said nothin he was just being naughty and promised to stop but i told him it was not going to be easy for me to trust him again and i later during the month i went to his itemised billing and discoverred that he still made 3 calls to her after his promise that he was not going to do it again. Last call was on the 25th of this month.
Must walk away from my marriage of 7 years and leave him to peacfully enjoy his life wwithout me being the boring old fashined wife. I am hurting so much i feel like filling for a divorce tomorrow. I dont believe he deserves me.