What are some of the reasons couples do not find sexual satisfaction with each other?
Target audience research conducted by Pakachere, the OneLove Regional Campaign partner in Malawi, has shown that one of the reasons why people have sex outside marriage or with additional, non-regular partners is because of a lack of sexual dissatisfaction from their primary relationship.
Starting a series discussions sexual satisfaction, we’re going to look at some of the reasons couples are failing to satisfy each other sexually. So tell us: if you’ve had unsatsifactory sexual encounters with a partner, what were the reasons?
15 Comments
I think one of the reasons is that couples do not talk about what they want their partner to do to them. you may be thinking that “if she touched me on the testicles I could feel good” but you dont say it – so as couples must learn to talk openly – I can not know where my wife wants me to touch/ or do to make her for her to enjoy the sexual act until I am told.
We can address this issue if among other things we also answer the question; what makes us not talk about these things with our sexual partners? I have said enough for now.
Simon, what you are saying is the gospel truth, luck of communication between partners is the major driver, satisfaction means getting xctly what you want or something close to what you want, and if you dont tell your partner how to handle business he/she will do it her own way and the question of why we dont talk about this issue……its the fear of unknown…if i tell her that i need a lolipop what will she say and what perseption will i give her? those are the kind of fears we have…
I’ll play the devil’s advocate here and say something some of the onelove web site readers have mentioned – and that is that TALKING ABOUT IT assumes that THE OTHER PARTY WANTS TO HEAR IT.
Isn’t part of the issue the assumption that we as adults know how to have sex, and we don’t need to be told what to do?
So let’s say I’m 42 and have just started a relationship with a guy my age who’s convinced he’s all that. You think I want to be the one to tell him that’s not?
the reason why we are discussing this topic is because it has been said lack of communication leads the other into sinning out.But the true question is are people able to communicate their wishes where ever they go if its outside their families?
iam asking this question because i will be astonished to hear that some body could not communicate in their home and was able to do the same with some whole some where!
if we go back in time ,we will realise that it is in the nature of man to explore other tastes and this has been part of our existence as human beings.
the fear has emerged with the coming in of HIV.
Iam not an educationist to know how long it takes for human beings to change some of their inherent behaviours.But while not wanting to be perceived as a percimist, i think we need to continue encouraging men and women to use condoms whenever they have an extra marital affair.
if you marry your partner/go into an affair for reasons other than love, you will end up not caring whether you are still in the same bed every night or if he is having other affairs, because you are still getting what you wanted. as long as there is love and concern, couples will see the need not to hurt each other and therefore care if the partner is getting the satisfaction or not.
it would not hurt to find out from your partner (swallow that pride and talk to each other. you are probably sailing in the same boat but dont realize it) if they are getting the satisfaction and if not, take it positively and put in some more effort, try all sorts of ideas to make it brand new.
Love, intimacy, care, they go together
To answer Pipo’s question, I think most men (unlike women) will agree that they feel free to talk about sex with their other sexual partner (the sidekick/spare tyre/MG2 e.t.c.) other than their main partner (wife/girlfriend). Even when it comes to talking with your fellow male friends, be it boys’ talk/boasting e.t.c., you will most often not talk about your sexual experiences with your wife, but rather those escapades/stunts that you’ve had with your sidekicks/MG2′s. What I’m trying to say here is that we as men are more experimental with our MG2′s (MG2 being your number 2 partner) than with our MG1s (your wife/girlfriend/regular partner).
I think this also has a bearing on how much we can talk freely about sex and satisfaction with our MG1′s. Since we are most often not very experimental with our MG1′s it is unlikely that we’ll talk about different aspects of the sexual acts that satisfy us. In the end, it is always “business as usual” (sometimes even without foreplay) with our MG1, and a “balanced diet” (kasinthasintha) with our MG2s, MG3s and so on (where we try different positions, locations – not only in the bedroom, times – not only at night, moods and so on).
I am sure that women talk more (with their fellow women) about their sexual experiences with their MG1′s (my assumption). Thus we might also assume that they are willing to exploit some of these satisfactory techniques (positions, locations, times, moods). However, they may not be free to have a discussion with their man on how on what satisfies them and what not, because they are afraid that their man will ask them where they learnt that. And the man may not care to try it as well, since he already has somewhere where he can try all the experiments. In the end, sexual dissatisfaction continues to reign in the relationship… and in the days of HIV, the result cannot be overemphasised.
Ndangodutsamo…
Guys,
These issues are critical and we can not pretend that all is well in the bed rooms.
One of the contributing issues is that couples are living with a pile of unresolved simple misunderstandings which eventually lead to suspiscion that neither of them cares for each other.
Let us learn to resolve every misunderatanding, pray to the lord to guide us before we go to bed every night.
That will be the only way we can make it to the end.
Yeah, i dont dispute the facts that are put on the table. Just to add on what Ized has said,satifaction comes in if each party is giving in, and it become enjoyable. In Malawi we have that tendancy of saying it is a man who brings any new stuff in the bedroom and if a woman brings one, we start to query where she got that,thinking maybe she is playing around, forgetting that before meeting her she have had other men, and maybe they we practising that or she had once watched these movies or she got it from a friend.Now becoz of this tendacy and avoiding queries from their partner for a new release which may lead to break-up,these women they end up doing nothing while they have something that can spice up sex.
And again, other reason is the excessive break-ups.If u have experienced several heart breaks in life, u just have bad attitudes towards anybody u meet, as a result u do likewise even if u haven’t heard anything bad about him or her.
Yeah, i dont dispute the facts that are put on the table. Just to add on what Ized has said,satifaction comes in if each party is giving in, and it become enjoyable. In Malawi we have that tendency of saying it is a man who brings any new stuff in the bedroom and if a woman brings one, we start to query where she got that,thinking maybe she is playing around, forgetting that before meeting her she have had other men, and maybe they we practising that or she had once watched these movies or she got it from a friend.Now becoz of this tendency and avoiding queries from their partner for a new release which may lead to break-up,these women they end up doing nothing while they have something that can spice up sex.
And again, other reason is the excessive break-ups.If u have experienced several heart breaks in life, u just have bad attitudes towards anybody u meet, as a result u do likewise even if u haven’t heard anything bad about him or her.
I recently attended the workshop on gender and sexuality and one learnt a lot of things and transition was not easy but happened because of communication. Most of the challenges in our relationships is a lack communication. My wife and i have explored new things not only our roles at home and our house hold but even the way we make love and appreciate each other, one looks forward to go home to your family.
Imagine a woman who takes you like her brother, (sexually) you make love once a week and even that once you just go one round and she pushes you off, and even that single round she stays pwhii like a dead wood! she leaves twice as horney as you were befroe going to bed. where do you douse this burning flame? ever heard of married men who musterbate, but for how long, before you look for a real hot, sexy bed mate?
Women! seven days on the moon, two more days to travel back to earth. three days to get farmiliar with earth. u get married to avoid MCP, so u have one partner, u r married and she refuses u. yet the more u r married the hotter u get! the fight against HIV is in the hands of married women. TELL THEM TO KEP THIER MEN HOME, and IN BED NOT IN THE TV ROOM. and they will keep half the Night Queens out of business!!
It is true that women have to do their best to keep their men in bed and satisified. However we must understand that both women and men are responsible for eachother’s happiness. If a man is not happy with the wife’s behaviour the man should make an initiative to discuss the issue likewise for women, thats why talking is important.
Men should understand that sometimes women dont want to have sex because it is sudden, not exciting. Good sex starts in the morning when you wake up are you in love? throughout the day have you adressed eachother’s concerns? Do you have food in the house are you able to take care of your wife and home as necessary? Do you make decisions together? Remove all stressors on your wife, be caring and communicate, women will be free minded and offer the best sex like sex workers.
Men should remove the mentality that women are difficult and stop running away from problems, they should be in control (as heads)and guide their women to be what they want while satisfiying both sides.
Can i liken a man to a dog and a woman to a confused soul? I realy wana know why we cant talk about sexual issues that will satisfy both of us. Please somebody ansa that for me cos i dont seem to know why something so easy to do can lead to so many breakups.
Where to start? First all of you need to step back and take a look at yourselves. Most of you walk alone down the street even though your partner is with you. Heven forbit you touch each other for someone might see you…OMG!
Love is not only for the bedroom. Hold her hand, kiss her, tell her that you love her with your actions as well as with words. The minute people get married they seem to stop being demonstrative to each other. Hell you now have a license to love her so what is stopping you?
It does not matter if you have food in the house, the door is falling off, etc. When you are in love, dam the torpedos, full steam ahead. Passion waits for no one. As long as you share all things together, all will be good. But do not ever hold out on your partner for that will distroy the relationship.
SEX! Okay it is a game that people play. Men play it with the prostitutes before marriage (and after marriage if sex at home is not good) and they learn about what is good sex. Women try to be good little girls before marriage and as such learn very little. Many women read novels in their younger years and learn about the sex that bad girls do…OMG! I am here to tell you that sex is what works for men. All men want their woman to be a bad, real bad girl in their bedroom.Men are visual, they want to see you naked. They want to play with your body, and they want you to play with their body too.
Sexual taboos are for people who are frigid and have no relationship. If you really want your marriage to work, your husband to come home every night, then you must get with the program. You need to become a bad girl. Learn the tricks that bad girls use. You need to make your husband’s life exciting. I can assure you that he will not stray. Why would he go looking for what he has at home?
Understand one other fact of life, one which you will want to reject out of hand. No one, not even you wants to eat the same meal everyday for the rest of your life. That being said, maybe you need to talk about this with your partner. I am sure that the day will come when both of you will want to consider some desert..;o) You need to talk about it and maybe even experiment with it. Just talking about it will put life back into your sex life. See most of us will consider this a real bad taboo and talking about it is erotic to say the least. Let’s face it, sex is supposed to be erotic. Bottom line is as long as you are talking, loving with each other you are staying together. Is this not what counts?
Monoganmy is as un-natural as flying horses, but sosiaty has adopted it as an unwritten law, so we must live with it, or cast it to one side. It is our choice. Read Dr. Helen Fisher’s book, “Anatomy Of Love”. If you want a better understanding of Love the read Dr. Leo Buscagalie’s book, “LOVE”.
Good luck all.