Sometimes men and women are scared to say what they want. Then they are disappointed and angry with their partner for not making them happy, or they look for sexual satisfaction from multiple concurrent partners.

“Sex is something that is supposed to be enjoyed. But we as girls are not able to negotiate or talk about our needs,” says a 20-year old girl from an informal settlement in South Africa.

“Sometimes I would say a guy is boring because he does not want to be sexually active and even if he does, he does not touch me the right way and I am afraid to tell him if I am not satisfied,” says a 20-year old woman from Lesotho.

Tips to help you talk to your partner about your sex life

The  following hints can help you build the confidence to talk to your partner about your sex life.

Prepare your message

Think through what you want to communicate and consider preparing to talk in the following way:

1. Explain your feelings and the problem. Be clear. For example, you can say “I feel as if I’m being used. When we have sex, I do not enjoy it.” Make sure that you use I, not you. In other words, it’s better to say “I don’t enjoy sex as much as I would like to”
and not “You are not a good lover”.
2. Make your request clearly. For example, you can say “I would like it more if we both enjoyed it when we have sex.” Make sure you include how you feel about it. Say “I feel disappointed when sex is over so quickly.”
3. Ask how your partner feels about your request. For example, you can say “Is that okay with you?”
4. Answer - make sure you answer what your partner has asked. For example, you can say “Yes, you’re right - I’m not too good at telling you what I want. I will try harder.”
5. Accept that they have agreed. For example, you can say “Thanks, great, I appreciate that.”

Practice makes perfect

• Once you have thought through that you are going to say, practise by yourself before you talk to your partner about a problem.
• You could even practise talking to an empty chair and pretending that your partner is there. This will help you to be clear when you talk to your partner.

Be careful of your actions

• We say more with our bodies than with words.The tone of your voice and your body posture can be very powerful. If you keep your hands on your hips while you are talking you will look aggressive. If you look at the floor or wring your hands while you are talking you will look weak.
• Avoid becoming emotional - crying or shouting can stop a discussion from ending in a good way.

Acknowledgements

The majority of the contents of this article are part of the booklet entitled: “Loving Carefully - A Guide For Women,” published as part of the OneLove campaign in Zimbabwe.

Download Loving Carefully - A Guide For Women (English)

Quotes from women were sourced from a research report entitled: ” Multiple and Concurrent Sexual Partnerships in Southern Africa - A 10-Country Research Report.”

Download the research report

Talk about it

Did you and your partner used to have sexual problems? Were you able to communicate about them and have now improved your sex life? Share some of your experiences and tips on how you turned things around. Anonymous comments are also welcome, if you are not comfortable using your name.