One of the issues that has repeatedly come up during our discussion about sexual satisfaction is how important it is to talk openly to your partner about your sexual needs.

Here are some of tips from women who discussed the issue online, and from a booklet developed by the OneLove Campaign partners in Zimbabwe:

• Choose your moment – Wait until your partner is calm and comfortable before you begin the discussion.
• Use your understanding of your partner – Does your partner like talking about sexuality issues before sex, or after sex? A couple of women readers said that they definitely did not want to talk about where to touch or how to touch during the act. Too distracting, they said.
• Be genuine – What you say must be real and true.
• Be accepting – Understand that your partner has feeling that could be hurt. So be kind and gentle even as you communicate your own needs.
• Observe and comment – If you point out to your partner how they are looking and acting, you will make them more aware of their body language. For instance, if they say it’s okay to discuss the issue, but then don’t pay attention to you, you could say: “You say it’s okay, but you don’t seem to be listening to me”.
• Question - You can use open-ended questions to learn more. For example,if you have asked your partner to watch a porn movie with you and to try new positions you see, ask,”How do you feel about that?”
• Listen actively – Pay attention to what your partner is saying, as well as how they are saying it, and what they are doing with their facial expressions and body movements while they aresaying it. Is her no, really “No, I don’t want to and I’m not willing to discuss this,” or “No, I don’t want to watch a porn movie because it’s new territory and it scares me, but I could try it if you reassured me that you will not lose respect for me and will not use this to hurt me?”
• Clarify – Check that you have understood by asking questions.
• Tolerate Silence - Give the person you are talking to time to think – don’t jump in and talk when there is a silence.
• Do not judge – Accept your partners’ thoughts and actions without imposing your opinions or values.
• Empathise – Try to understand your partner’s experience and let them know that you can empathise with where they are coming from.
• Summarize - A good summary includes what has been said as well as the thoughts and feelings around what has been said. It helps people see  where you were, where you are now and where you are going. It shows that you have listened to what your partner has said.
• Conclude - It is important that you end the discussion by clarifying what actions both of you have decided to take.

Some of the tips in this article are based on the booklet entiltled: “A Loving Relationship – Finding and Keeping It,” developed for the OneLove Campaign in Zimbabwe.

Download it

A Loving Relationship – Finding It and Keeping It is available in English, Shona and Ndebele.

A Loving Relationship (English)

KudananaKuyemurika (Shona)

Ubudlelano Uboluthando (Ndebele)

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