During our research on multiple concurrent partnership men and women in all the countries taking part in the research explained that one of the reasons they have other sexual partners is because they are not sexually satisfied in their relationships.
Here are some of the statements that they made:
Not having sex often enough
Some of the people interviewed said that they were having sexual partners with multiple concurrent partners because they were not having sexual intercourse often enough at home.
In Tanzania, youths talked of excessive sexual desire (mzuka) or prolonged sexual deprivation (vigonera) that might occur when partners separate for a long period (such as migration for education or business, or when a women is abstinent postpartum) as reasons for having multiple sexual partners.
“… you may want to do it four times, but maybe the wife wants to do it once, that means you are not agreeing or sometimes the woman wants you to do it five times and you only want to do it once, … so she just starts to sleep around, (chiwewe)8 since she is not satisfied. And the same with a man …,” says a married Malawian man.
Also in terms of satisfaction, we men have to know how to prepare our wives for sex. Preparing them first will help them get satisfied during sex, says a married Zambian man.
Maybe you had not had sex with her for more than a week and the day you go to her and ask her to do it, she tells you she is tired and this and that… so I don’t have to wait for explanations, I go out and take another one (and have sex), says a Tanzanian man.
A physically inadequate partner
Men and women also complained that their partners are physically inadequate or do not behave in ways that will satisfy them sexually.
“If the man is having a small penis and he is not satisfying you obviously look for another one who will satisfy you. And this one who does not satisfied you, you keep him for his money and you also keep the other one for sex,” says a Namibian woman.
Yes some don’t know how to handle men and some women are watery so the men go to the dry one, says a married Zimbabwean woman.
I think we have got many sexual partners perhaps because of monotony, the other reason has got to do with bed, the sexual pleasure … certain boyfriends who have got a small penis (laughter) … She would like to have a bigger size, … . Now there are certain men who are able to give sexual pleasure to their wives, even the ladies, there are certain ladies who are not able to satisfy their boyfriends or husbands sexually, says a Mozambican man.
Lack of romance
The reason for having more than one partner is that my partners’ approach is wrong especially when it comes to sex, in some cases men just have sex without warming up and they are not concerned about my sexual satisfaction so you will enjoy sex with the person who start with foreplay before sex, says a woman from Lesotho..
Sex is something that is supposed to be enjoyed. But we as girls are not able to negotiate or to talk about our needs. To be honest as girls we have given up on ourselves, a South African woman says.
Lack of communication
Respondents said that men and women do not talk about sex in relationships. This lack of communication between partners contributes to sexual dissatisfaction. In Zambia, participants said that talking about sex in a polygamous relationships is taboo.
Sometimes the reason we are unfaithful is because at home between me and my wife we don’t discuss sex issues … but when I go to my friend we watch porn movies. When I suggest that we buy the pornography she [my wife] will ask where [I] got those ideas from and I must not bring dirty ideas to our home, a South African man says.
Cultural norms oblige women to be subservient to men and not express their own feelings and desires. In Swaziland and South Africa, women said they cannot initiate sex, they cannot tell their husbands that they are not satisfied sexually, and they cannot talk about what will satisfy them. This was echoed more generally by women in other countries who say they cannot talk to men about sex.
Sometimes I would say that a guy is boring because he does not want to be sexually active and even if he does, he does not touch me the right way and I am afraid to tell him if I am not satisfied, a woman from Lesotho says.
Like the way you’ve said it how do you know your friend is not satisfied with you if they don’t tell you where to improve? For example, if you need to use medicine to make your body warm or tell elderly people to help you. Men should be telling us like we do tell them when there is something we don’t like about our sex relationship, a Zambian woman says.
Talk about it
Pakachere, the OneLoveΓö¼├í campaign partner in Malawi is having a very interesting discussion about sexual satisfaction. This week’s question: What Must Couples Do To Make Sure That They Satisfy Each Other Sexually?
Join this discussion by leaving a comment at the end of this post.