Join the conversation, and share some advice with Nina, a OneLove reader, who is afraid to leave her married lover because she relies on his emotional support. The couple also works for the same company.
Hi everyone
Help! I am so unhappy! I’ve been in a relationship with my “borrowed lover” for over 6 years now we have a 4 year old daughter. We started as friends for about 2 years and he was always there for me, as I was ending an emotionally unstable relationship. He was my very best friend.
And he is still is my friend but I’m hurting som uch because I know I deserve more and I want more. I want to be with him so badly but I know he can’t give me that. I’m very scared to leave him as I dont want to miss him terribly, but I know I will.
It’s also very difficult because we are employed at the same place, so I have no choice but to see him every day.
He says he loves me and that he’s not going anywhere. And that he doesn’t know what he would do without me,but I still sleep alone every night and I’m very lonely, and incredibly unhappy.
Please help me with this one……
Join the conversation
Doreen Fosse says: Ouch! She needs to move on with her life, as hard as it might seem to her now, at least he was honest to say he can’t give her more. She just feels she can’t live without him because HE IS ALL SHE HAS now as she has no one else to hold onto. But if she goes out and finds someone who can give her what she deserves then she will be able to move on and not depend on him so much.
She should tell him that she needs more from the relationship and if he is not able to give it to her then he must let her go out and find someone who can give her what she needs.
BUT then she must also know that she needs to let go of the current feelings she has for him in order to find someone new. She will ALWAYS have this guy in her life as they have a daughter together….very sad when this kind of thing happens. but I honestly feel that if he can’t give her what she needs then she needs to move on, they can always remain friends if she can cope with that…Hope all goes well for her.
Gaynor Paynter says: It’s rnfair of him because clearly she didn’t sleep alone EVERY night, they have a daughter together. I’ve never been in such a position, but I think to get closure on this, she needs to move on and find someone who can meet all her needs, I agree with Doreen. She obviously still has to associate with him because of the little girl, but that’s all I would give him . She is giving him too much.
9 Comments
I know what you are talking about and I know that where you need to go, will not be an easy road. I could not do it alone and was moving far out of this man, still had to think of him very often, but because of distance I was safe.
You have a strong soultie with him, that needs to be cutted and I would say to seek help cutting this tie. Help from God, help from friends and family and maybe even a church. I know for example Ellel Ministries has helped me cutting this tie, but any born-again believer who know more of this subject can assist you.
You need to go strong step by step realizing who you are and what you are worth. Becoming happy will start with a road that is hard, probably finding a new job and or even a new living environment, but most important friends/family who are able to keep you strong and focussed, cause we people tend to forget the bad in these situations and slide back to sweet memories, which should be abondandend from your mind for a long long time, will you able to make it. But my promise to you, that if you are determent, strong and preservere, you will be rewarded (not immediately but in time) and becoming a very wise and happy woman, able to help so many of them who are stricked in this kind of situations. Wishing you wisdom, courage and strength.
mugwililile!!
@catharina – thanks for your advice. It’s especially helpful that you have walked in Nina’s shoes, and it should give her hope that she she too can cut the connection and move on.
I feel sorry for Nina. But Nina you have your own life you need to move on with it. Nowadays you need to have one partner and be faithful to him/her. This partner that you have has another partner and that can put your health life at risk. You need to love yourself and put yourself first in whatever you do. Yo have to move on girl, have courage and good luck.
@tandy. Thanks for your advice and words of encpuragement for Nina.
i am in a big situation here which is somehow related to married lover…i have seen the amazing advice the readers give here without being judgemental. Can some one please help me to post my story here …i really need someone to help me out..thanks a lot
Hi Soha
Write your story in the comments section, and I’ll be able to pick it up and publish it as a post. Or you can email your story to damariasenne@gmail.com
ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP / ABSTINENCE / MARRIED LOVER
I came across this website on google and was really amazed to see the non judgmental attitude of the readers.
I am 30yr old Asian working woman married to a 33yr old impotent man in an abusive relationship and settled overseas. I don’t have kids and have not had sex for past 2 years and have been living in a different room under the same roof for last 8 months. I have not been able to go back to my home country and have not met my family in last 4 years. I am planning to visit them soon and then probably gather the courage to move out of this relationship. I don’t have any family or friends here and I am wary of people in general because of my personal experiences in life. I am Vulnerable with a capital V. My husband says he won’t divorce me and am alone and scared. I want to meet my family and then find a way to get a divorce. I suggested marriage counseling and also sexologist to my husband to fix his problem but he is just not interested
3 months ago, I met a married 38yr old man with 2 kids on internet from my home country. We chat with each other and speak to each other daily except in the night and weekends because he is “married”. We felt a strong connection. He is balm to my wounded soul; like rain on a dry barren land and as silly as it sounds, I feel I am being sucked into him. He makes me feel good about myself. He is not misleading me and has told me very clearly that he will not leave his family and would like to remain friends with me forever. In fact, we have dissected our relationship several times and have tried to be just “friends” but the attraction and perhaps my need for love has changed the course of the relationship. We have exchanged pics and have had cam to cam online chats and are planning to meet when I come back home and have planned to take 1 week holiday together. If we meet then physical intimacy is bound to happen because I am sex /love deprived and we both feel attracted towards each other. He is becoming my strength and weakness at the same time. Now its always me who wants to call him more often or chat with him more and he is usually too busy to comply. Falling in love with a married man who not even lives on the same continent is futile and I am aware of it but perhaps because of my vulnerable situation, I am still heading for a disaster.
I feel as if I am hanging by my fingernails onto a cliff. Now I have 2 situations to deal with. Breaking a marriage in itself is turbulent and a love affair with a married man is like a last nail in the coffin.
I have only had sex with my husband even if it was “blink and miss” kinda sex. I am lonely, alone and sad. I just don’t know what to do. Dealing with my marriage debacle is enough and I know I don’t need the complications of a married lover but it happened..
Please help me
Leave your husband ASAP. As you say you are a working woman and have no kids. You must then have enough income to survive alone. What is holding you to stay with your husband ?
After you leave stay alone for a while and then start dating. Your biological clock is ticking and you need to be sexually active and in a loving relationship.
Can’t you tell your husband is a sadist who forces you to stay with him when you have no pleasure in being his wife. The only reason he married you is to show the world that he isnt impotent. The EGO is a big thing to guys.