If Your Partner Was Cheating On You, Would You Want To Know?
If you and your partner got on very well, and you had a loving relationship, exciting sex life and you were completely satisfied that your needs were being met, would you want to know whether he/she is cheating on you? Or would you prefer not knowing, for as long as your needs were not being short-changed?
Take this poll and tell us what you think. Also please take the time to leave a comment to explain your vote/share your views on the matter.
I would want my partner to be open to me and tell of the truth that she is cheating because its my life that she is cheating on. If i proposed to her, it means i gave my everything to her, then it is wise that she tells me of her unfaithfulness so that i make a decision before it is too late.
I have been cheated on and I was told every intimate detail about it. I am glad I knew because he wasn’t using a condom so at least I could put an end to that but, health risks aside, I wish I had not have known. My life was destroyed. I have become bitter and resentful. My children pick up on this too and have even asked me why I don’t smile anymore. I wish I had never known.
@sandra - ja, that’s another tough one. In the past I used to say, if my friend doesn’t want to know, I won’t tell her. And you’d know whether your friend wants to know. But now I’m thinking it’s about making sure that your friend is protected from HIV, even if you’re just making sure he/she lives long enough to have a row with you and refuse to see/talk to you ever again.
I would certainly want to know, there are too many risks involved. After knowing definately kick him to the curb…if he is not going to be faithful now what are the chances he ever will?
As other people have commented, this is a difficult one. I think most people would say yes, they do want to know, but, in another sense, they don’t want to know. But, who is to tell you? Even as a best friend it would be difficult to assess if your friend would thank you for letting her/him know what was going on. As a friend you might feel a duty to tell, but as a woman [particularly] you might see the other side of the coin. Either way you could stand to lose the friendship.
I think it is best to know to be honest, particularly in this day and age. And, if you know, you can face it and deal with it. Far better to know, even if you are scared of upsetting the applecart for various reasons. At least then you have the choice as to how you will deal with it.
Without that knowledge you are cutting off not only your opportunity to protect yourself, and by extenstion, your children, but your ‘partner’ almost has carte blanche to continue cheating on you, treating you with disregard and disrespect, as well as putting your life and health at risk.
Since you are supposed to be a partnership, it is your right and responsibility to know if the other half is doing things that put the partnership at risk.
I would thank any friend that told me. I wish people had told me what was actually going on! I could and would have dealt with it, and my partner knew that, knew he would lose the roof over his head, the use of my car, and while I was away, moving people into my home along with his lover. He knew he would be out on his ear, so he went round telling people not tell me what was going on. Not knowing the real situation took away my chance to do something about what has had a huge financial impact on my retirement.
So, yes, personally, I would want to know, and, further, I would not shoot the messenger.
I would also like to comment on two of the comments down the side of this webpage, the Tanzanian woman and the man from Mpumalanga. These two people are, sadly, examples of why HIV/AIDS is so prevalent today; why STDs abound. They are both arrogant in their disrespect of the opposite sex. Reading the man’s post made me want to give him a smack round the head particularly!
He almost makes it sound as if he is conferring a real honour on his wife poor lady. What a shame we cannot tell her…
@Damaria - good point - our friends are too valuable to us to watch them die a slow death from HIV/Aids. I would also tell them. They have a right to know and then make their own choices whether to stay or leave. They might be angry with us at the time, but when their pain eases, they will come to realise the value of a true friend.
@Corinna - I have also been in the same boat with my ex having cheated on me - not once but a few times. As I was going through a difficult time with my sick son, my “kind” friends decided not to tell me as they thought I would not be able to handle it with all the stess I was going through. However, years later when it happened again (and that time I discovered it) they then came forward to tell me about the first time - so I then had a double whammy of emotions to deal with. I fully understand they loved and wanted to protect me, but I wish I had known then. Perhaps the marriage might have had more of a chance of survival if we had dealt with our various issues at an earlier stage. Then again… does a leopard ever change its spots - I doubt it.
A very important lesson for ALL women (and especially those who have not yet experienced the absolute soul-destroying horror of discovering your husband has cheated on you) is to become as self-sufficient as you possibly can.
Never rely on a man to support you 100%. You might think this is wonderful but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty - you need to be able to pick up your things and walk out of that relationship, fully able to support yourself and your children.
Yes, of course you are entitled to get the man to pay support and any other money due to you. However I have seen a number of women who have had to stick around and put up with whatever their husband dishes out, because they have no means of supporting themselves. Their husbands use their support as a weapon.
Don’t ever let yourself fall into this trap, and please don’t ever think “this will never happen to me”. Too many women have discovered that the man of their dreams has cheated on them.
@sandra - thanks for the last comment. and you raise an important issue as to why some women may choose to stay in concurrent relationships - because they have nowhere else to go ( a roof over your head) or a means of supporting yourself.
Yes, I want to know. I was in a relationship and everybody knew that he was messing around except for me. After we split up, everybody came around and told me about his other women.
Without very loyal friends, I would not have made it! Their support and encouragement kept me going.
Melinda, I feel for you, I went through what you are going through. It does take a while, but you do get over it. It took me 6 years, but today, I am happily married and trust my husband completely.
I would most certainly want to know, not just for the health and safety reasons, but because if he is looking elsewhere, it must potentially mean problems are lurking in our relationship
I agree with Gillian but people are never just satisfied. One wonders why they cheat and with this HIV/AIDS its really scary and risky but not all ladies would know and kick out the Man or rather walk out on him.
Melinda I pray that the Lord would heal your heart and Emotions I can understand how devastated one can be being in such a situation .But you know what your life has to go on. Whatsoever it is Jesus Loves you and he died for you please smile for the sake of your Kids.
i would want to know abt it since the alot of diseases like HIV,STI and many more and it would make me feel better.i think what kills the nation is lack of information so if i know i will know the danger that i mait be facing as a responsible adult…and i can protect myself always…why man cheat is it because the wife/woman lacks or not good enough? im lost help if u can…
“Honesty is the best policy” is very true. But sometimes in the matters involving love it may not be true always. In life many incidents occur of which you should not tell your partner.
I would lyk 2 knw as far as me n my galfriend we neva had sex n she z sayn she z a virgin,1st i dnt knw hw 2 gt sure of wat she’s sayn n tha othr thng z she doesnt wnt me even 2 tok abt sex 2 ha as she says she wont du t til we get married..t smtyms hppn 2 me tht i guec she isnt a virgin n she’s foolin me around wth some 1 hum i dnt knw..tha help i nid z 2 knw 4rm wat she says on being a virgin z tru n 2 knw z she cheatn on not?
If I am standing on a podium telling people to be faithful, it should also start with me.That way we can all, in our differensial lives start making the difference.
- Beatrice Tonhodzayi, Programme Officer-Media for SAfAIDS, Zimbabwe
Polls
Should parents talk to their children about sex, sexuality and reproductive health? At what age should children be told about their sexuality?
Join Dr. Chiweza, Pastor Mussa, Penjani and Carol on next week’s program.
What makes a strong, well-respected man? Is it being macho and facing challenges without a single tear? Is a strong man one who is feared by others? Is a strong man one who has many wives/women, and has proven his virility by fathering many children? Read More »
One of the decisions you have to make when you find out that your partner has another partner is whether you want to forgive your partner and try to fix the relationship, or to break up with him/her.Read More »
When I decided to marry my wife, I had other girlfriends. That won't change. The only change is that she is my wife, she stays home and I will keep my other girlfriends. I keep it away from her that I have other girlfriends.
A 26 year old Tanzanian woman says:
Maybe he thinks that after marrying me I can’t fall in love with another man. Right now I have two and if a third and fourth comes my way I am not going to say "No."
No Secrets And Lies
If you love someone you will protect and respect them by not having another secret partner. Secrets don't protect.
20 Comments
I would want my partner to be open to me and tell of the truth that she is cheating because its my life that she is cheating on. If i proposed to her, it means i gave my everything to her, then it is wise that she tells me of her unfaithfulness so that i make a decision before it is too late.
I certainly would want to know. Would be afraid of the risk of AIDS and other serious infections.
Yes, I most certainly would want to know. The risks associated with multiple partners is to great.
I have been cheated on and I was told every intimate detail about it. I am glad I knew because he wasn’t using a condom so at least I could put an end to that but, health risks aside, I wish I had not have known. My life was destroyed. I have become bitter and resentful. My children pick up on this too and have even asked me why I don’t smile anymore. I wish I had never known.
This is always a tricky one - of course you would want to know if your partner is cheating on you.
However, if you know your friend’s partner is cheating on them - would you be brave enough to come forward and tell them?
Aaaw Melinda, I am so sorry. I guess while knowing protects you from HIV, you still suffer from emotional damage
@sandra - ja, that’s another tough one. In the past I used to say, if my friend doesn’t want to know, I won’t tell her. And you’d know whether your friend wants to know. But now I’m thinking it’s about making sure that your friend is protected from HIV, even if you’re just making sure he/she lives long enough to have a row with you and refuse to see/talk to you ever again.
I would certainly want to know, there are too many risks involved. After knowing definately kick him to the curb…if he is not going to be faithful now what are the chances he ever will?
As other people have commented, this is a difficult one. I think most people would say yes, they do want to know, but, in another sense, they don’t want to know. But, who is to tell you? Even as a best friend it would be difficult to assess if your friend would thank you for letting her/him know what was going on. As a friend you might feel a duty to tell, but as a woman [particularly] you might see the other side of the coin. Either way you could stand to lose the friendship.
I think it is best to know to be honest, particularly in this day and age. And, if you know, you can face it and deal with it. Far better to know, even if you are scared of upsetting the applecart for various reasons. At least then you have the choice as to how you will deal with it.
Without that knowledge you are cutting off not only your opportunity to protect yourself, and by extenstion, your children, but your ‘partner’ almost has carte blanche to continue cheating on you, treating you with disregard and disrespect, as well as putting your life and health at risk.
Since you are supposed to be a partnership, it is your right and responsibility to know if the other half is doing things that put the partnership at risk.
I would thank any friend that told me. I wish people had told me what was actually going on! I could and would have dealt with it, and my partner knew that, knew he would lose the roof over his head, the use of my car, and while I was away, moving people into my home along with his lover. He knew he would be out on his ear, so he went round telling people not tell me what was going on. Not knowing the real situation took away my chance to do something about what has had a huge financial impact on my retirement.
So, yes, personally, I would want to know, and, further, I would not shoot the messenger.
I would also like to comment on two of the comments down the side of this webpage, the Tanzanian woman and the man from Mpumalanga. These two people are, sadly, examples of why HIV/AIDS is so prevalent today; why STDs abound. They are both arrogant in their disrespect of the opposite sex. Reading the man’s post made me want to give him a smack round the head particularly!
He almost makes it sound as if he is conferring a real honour on his wife poor lady. What a shame we cannot tell her…
@Damaria - good point - our friends are too valuable to us to watch them die a slow death from HIV/Aids. I would also tell them. They have a right to know and then make their own choices whether to stay or leave. They might be angry with us at the time, but when their pain eases, they will come to realise the value of a true friend.
@Corinna - I have also been in the same boat with my ex having cheated on me - not once but a few times. As I was going through a difficult time with my sick son, my “kind” friends decided not to tell me as they thought I would not be able to handle it with all the stess I was going through. However, years later when it happened again (and that time I discovered it) they then came forward to tell me about the first time - so I then had a double whammy of emotions to deal with. I fully understand they loved and wanted to protect me, but I wish I had known then. Perhaps the marriage might have had more of a chance of survival if we had dealt with our various issues at an earlier stage. Then again… does a leopard ever change its spots - I doubt it.
A very important lesson for ALL women (and especially those who have not yet experienced the absolute soul-destroying horror of discovering your husband has cheated on you) is to become as self-sufficient as you possibly can.
Never rely on a man to support you 100%. You might think this is wonderful but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty - you need to be able to pick up your things and walk out of that relationship, fully able to support yourself and your children.
Yes, of course you are entitled to get the man to pay support and any other money due to you. However I have seen a number of women who have had to stick around and put up with whatever their husband dishes out, because they have no means of supporting themselves. Their husbands use their support as a weapon.
Don’t ever let yourself fall into this trap, and please don’t ever think “this will never happen to me”. Too many women have discovered that the man of their dreams has cheated on them.
@sandra - thanks for the last comment. and you raise an important issue as to why some women may choose to stay in concurrent relationships - because they have nowhere else to go ( a roof over your head) or a means of supporting yourself.
Yes, I want to know. I was in a relationship and everybody knew that he was messing around except for me. After we split up, everybody came around and told me about his other women.
Without very loyal friends, I would not have made it! Their support and encouragement kept me going.
Melinda, I feel for you, I went through what you are going through. It does take a while, but you do get over it. It took me 6 years, but today, I am happily married and trust my husband completely.
Time heals everything!!
I would most certainly want to know, not just for the health and safety reasons, but because if he is looking elsewhere, it must potentially mean problems are lurking in our relationship
I agree with Gillian but people are never just satisfied. One wonders why they cheat and with this HIV/AIDS its really scary and risky but not all ladies would know and kick out the Man or rather walk out on him.
Melinda I pray that the Lord would heal your heart and Emotions I can understand how devastated one can be being in such a situation .But you know what your life has to go on. Whatsoever it is Jesus Loves you and he died for you please smile for the sake of your Kids.
i would want to know abt it since the alot of diseases like HIV,STI and many more and it would make me feel better.i think what kills the nation is lack of information so if i know i will know the danger that i mait be facing as a responsible adult…and i can protect myself always…why man cheat is it because the wife/woman lacks or not good enough? im lost help if u can…
“Honesty is the best policy” is very true. But sometimes in the matters involving love it may not be true always. In life many incidents occur of which you should not tell your partner.
I surely would want to know; it is a matter of Life and Death.
I would lyk 2 knw as far as me n my galfriend we neva had sex n she z sayn she z a virgin,1st i dnt knw hw 2 gt sure of wat she’s sayn n tha othr thng z she doesnt wnt me even 2 tok abt sex 2 ha as she says she wont du t til we get married..t smtyms hppn 2 me tht i guec she isnt a virgin n she’s foolin me around wth some 1 hum i dnt knw..tha help i nid z 2 knw 4rm wat she says on being a virgin z tru n 2 knw z she cheatn on not?