In this letter to the OneLove web site team, a reader who recently broke up with her married lover explains how emotionally painful it is to break the sexual network.
She also wonders if she did the right thing for herself,, especially as her married lover was very good to her.
Do you think she made the right decision by breaking off the relationship? Here is her letter:
Dear OneLove
I’m a 28-year old professional woman and last week I broke up with my married lover and I’m wondering if I made a big mistake.
I knew from the beginning that he would not leave his wife and two children for me. But I love him and he was very good to me. He did not make promises that he could not keep. And when I was with him, he made me feel special, like he really loved me.
But I want someone who loves just me; who wants to marry me and have children and he can’t provide that. So I broke up with him.
He’s very hurt by the break-up, because he thought our relationship was going well. And I feel mean and selfish for hurting him like this.
I’m also hurting from the break-up and can’t seem to stop crying. There are days when I‘m tempted to phone him to tell him I’m very sorry and can he forgive me and take me back.
Do you think I made a mistake by breaking up a relationship that worked in its own way? Also keep in mind that the pool of single men available in my town is very small, so I fear that I doomed myself to being single and lonely by refusing to share a man.
Please advice?
91 Comments
Hi there,
I feel your pain. I am a 30 year old man who is still in love with a woman who I have been having an affair with for the past 5 years… I have been reading blogs and responses all to no avail. We started hot and heavy (she was married 12 years at that point - 17 now). She moved FAR away after knowing her for a few months (8-10) and we have continued to have contact…however, at one point we did stop talking for a few months - but we have always found our ways back to each other :(. She is still married…
I recently went and saw her, looking more for closure than anything else. We didn’t have sex, though we did kiss and tell each other we love each other very much. She is religious and has huge conflicts with being involved at all and recently (after I returned home) told me that we should just be friends because she can’t offer anything else. My life is in shambles, I am totally devistated, because in my 30 years I have never met anyone I would consider my soulmate, yet that’s whatI call her… I know she is married but I would be happy if she left her husband for me and that kills me and is NOT how I was raised or what I believe in, yet it’s what I want more than anything in this world… What do I do? How do I get her out of my mind? How do you stop loving someone that you are so connected with that you can’t breath at the thought of her? …I’m looking at jobs in her area so I can be closer to her (after 5 years)…I’m ready to be with her, to take a chance to be with her… She says she loves me but what if she doesn’t want that? Help me see what I should do…
Shame on you two!! shame on you! I’m really not going to sympathize with you, because you both knew, when you got involved with yur MARRIED partners, that they were married! As a matter of fact, shame on them as well.
Do you really think that you can be cause other people pain,INTENTIONALLY, and not have it come back to you? Always remember that 1 seed produced a whole tree of fruit. So you thought you were doing something small when you started it, but the ultimate outcome is always disasterous!
Now, The pain that you are both going through, is self inflicated. What you need to do, is repent, and focus on yourselves. Heal, and leave all that nast baggage behind.
In every painful situation in life, there is a lesson that is to be learnt. I hope that you know what the lesson is in your situations.
To the lady, you are limiting God, by saying that there is a small pool of men out there. There are a lot of non married good, hardworking men out there. the devil is a liar, and has convinced you to believe otherwise. You are still young, you have time on your hands, dotn settle for less. that man is/ was using you… he was having his cake and definitely eating it. Ask yourself, would you want to be married to him? because if thats he;s doing to his wife, he will definitely do it to you.
Give you need/want of a man to the Lord my sister. Dont do it on your own, cause it will all go sour. Know the Lord as your husband (Isaiah 54:5).
All the best guys
Thank you Lerato for your comment.
I would like to emphasise to Josh and the reader who initially sent the letter that the OneLove Campaign is NOT about condemnation or placing blame.
The campaign and this web site is about helping people to change their lives, to make decisions that are healthier for themselves, their loved ones, families and communities.
Dear lady who wrote the letter; firstly i can’t help but think that if he was very happily married would he have looked elsewhere… I know what people are thinking already and no not all african men are the same, there are men who are very faithful to their wives because they love them deeply and then there are the ones who were forced into marriage; pregnant; pressure from the families because they will do so well together; she has loads of money and so does her famiy. the reasons are endless. and then there is of course the “he wants his cake etc…” And divorce is not sinful, to the lady who quotes the bible, read the bible and you will find the passage that says “leave your wife on the roof and walk away etc” [not a good translation but it means you can leave each other]. Listen girl if it makes you happy, go for it!!! And he is obviously also very happy with you. In the end his wife will find out - somehow - and if she is stupid enough to stay with him thereafter well then that’s his problem and he must deal with it. And you will have to accept his decision. His children are not the first in the world to grow up with infidelity and won’t be the last either. So the decision is yours. But you are young and I am sure you will meet some nice men, if you put your mind to it and go onto websites; social gatherings, open an art gallery, coffee shop or do something that will draw people to your area, if your main concern is that you will never meet another man. Take a trip overseas, and have a ball!! Good luck young lady and here’s wishing you the best in your decision, whichever way…. But don’t feel too guilty, it takes two to tango. From: Jozi girl.
Don’t even start to feel sorry that he is hurting cause in the long run you will be even more hurt. Trust me with the future you envision you will not have it with this man. Cut all your ties & take time to heal from this & trust that you will find that man you want to have a family with. No matter what is said or done you are not a bad person.
This response is from Mtheto Tshemese, a South African clinical psychologist and consultant at the Soul City Institute. Mtheto is also frequent expert panelist on television shows:
Dear Damaria
I would firstly like to acknowledge that the couple seems to have a deep connection with each other and that the author has deep feelings for her.
In addition, I would like to point out the ambivalence from the two of them about having this affair.
The lady is religious and the author of the letter raises the fact that he “was not raised that way”.
Clearly, there is a part of them that wants the relationship and another which is against the relationship.
The author needs to appreciate that as much as he has a relationship with the lady she is married and has a commitment with her husband, and the author has no control of this fact.
It will be difficult for the author to meet anyone and have a relationship when he still entertains the feelings he has for the lady.
What I would suggest is for the author to focus on what he has control over and start by finding a counselor, or someone he completely trusts who would be able to give him objective feedback.
If he can find a professional psychologist or counselor this would be better because this will be a professional relationship in which the author will be able to share his thoughts and feelings without the fear of being judged.
Moving into the lady’s area might seem like a good idea for him but this also means moving into the family’s territory and the author needs to consider BOTH the pros and cons for moving there.
What would happen if the lady’s husband and/or family finds out?
Just a bit of reality check for him: Assuming that they get together with the lady how much trust does he think they would have towards each other considering that they met while the lady was married to someone else?
Would he be able to trust her when they are married together?
Ms Lona has been in the position of the wronged wife and it hurts. Yes, some people may have been coerced gently or otherwise into marriage, but there is a difference between someone like that and someone who is just an immature and selfish person who doesn’t care that other people are being hurt by their behaviour. The truth is that someone who will do that to another person WITH you, will do it TO you with someone else.
Most people have felt the pain of sayting goodbye to a lover and it surely does hurt, but weigh that against the pain either of these readers would feel should the entire community, their extended families and their friends ALL find out about their clandestine relationships. If you would be ashamed of your grandparents knowing something about you, chances are it’s the wrong choice you’re making now. Both readers are extremely young and have lots of time. What you focus on grows and both readers are focusing on relationships that are hurting them now and will hurt them in the future, along with other people. If they give themselves a chance to get over these married lovers, they will undoubtedly find other lovers who will make them happier - lovers who don’t want their cake and to eat it too.
I’ve known quite a few women whose lovers betrayed them with other women and NONE of them were happy to find out about it. There is nothing wrong with someone saying I chose wrong and now I want to choose again, but that person must do it honestly and with honour, owning up to the situation rather than lying to a spouse or partner who is oblivious to the infidelity.
Think carefully about the affairs, especially in this day and age of HIV. A man or woman who will do it WITH you, will do it TO you.
PS I don’t think any attached person feels as strongly for another lover as that lover does for them. The focus is not concentrated on the lover but divided between the lover and the partner. I don’t think the woman feels as strongly for him as he does for her, AND I think she is trying to do what her belief system says is right for her. She may need his help to carry that intention through and he would be a good friend to her if he helps her by leaving her alone. I don’t think she would be happy with him even if she left her husband for him - she’d feel too much disonance. Rather than moving closer, I think the lovers should stay as far apart as possible. What he can do to let her go is to focus on something else, volunteer work, a new hobby, an old hobby, male friends, his work. What you focus on grows and eventually he’ll think of her and wonder why he allowed himself to contemplate being part of breaking up a marriage. If, on the other hand, she leaves her husband without pressure from her lover, then it may mean that she really does want to be with her lover more.
Hi all and thank you for your comments… I would like to ask you to please not judge me, because I am human…and as easy as it is to do that, these feelings that I have are very real and in my 30 years on this earth have never (EVER) been felt by me before. I was raised Christian and know and understand morals, yes I even have them and that is why we both realize that we can’t be together…
I don’t think we choose who to fall in love with in this life. I don’t think we choose to wake up and say (after 32 years of marriage (as my dad to my mom)) that “I don’t want to be married to you anymore”. I do think we have certain controls over things but yet I believe that God designed us to love and for the most part be happy. He is very clear about adultry, and that is what makes it extremely hard for me. I know what I am supposed to do and not do, but my heart and mind and spirit and everything inside of me says to run to this woman…
As far as distance, we live in separate countries and have for the past 4 years. She lives in the US and I live in Germany. This bond that we have is something that I can’t even begin to explain - I don’t even understand it myself, so how can I explain it?
I have thought about her family, I have thought about her friends, and her church and her husband (who she caught last summer talking with other women online). In all of my life I have never felt so much peace over being in love with someone, but yet so much turmoil over not being able to be with her…
I spoke with her today. I actually got to talk to her for about 2 hours and my eyes tear up even as I write this…I told her that we needed to stop. I told her that she needed to make a decision of me or him. …in not as many words, she finally admitted to me that she wants to try to fix her marriage because he has been putting a lot into it lately and she feels that she should as well. I am now here, online telling you who will certainly judge me that it’s for the better, but that doesn’t help me - it doesn’t make my heart not break, it doesn’t wipe my tears and it doesn’t calm my soul. I cry out to God and all I hear is the echo of my own voice… I can only pray that one day, by one chance I will meet someone that comes close to her, but for now, I must force myself to move on…pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and try to put them back together..
Yes, shame on me for falling in love with a married woman, but I can only pray that half of the world will EVER experience the kind of love that I feel for Marilyn….
Hi! I feel the same feelings as this Josh guy does and it is very hard. I am in a similar situation - but what’s extra difficult is your lover telling you that his feelings are slowly diminishing bec of the distance. Ours has been going on for almost 2 years. It started just before he got married, was 7 years into that relationship then before he married her (his wife now). Do you think it is different? Somebody told me that if he really did love me, he clearly should have chosen me and not marry the woman. But you can’t just stop the marriage from happening when he has only met me for a few months. Can he really choose me over a 7 year relationship?I would not think so.I think that time, he was thinking that he made a big mistake when he proposed to her 5 months before we met. Everything was arranged already for the wedding and I know him to be very responsible. I wish he had not married yet at that time so he can evaluate his feelings. Although, I remember it clearly, I think I even said that he should definitely marry her because the trouble that it would cause his and her family and relatives is really scary. By the way, the guy is British and I am Asian.
Until now, we kept it going - not as secret nor openly as we hoped it would be since we live in different countries but he flies to see me a lot. And we write to each other through email everyday. The connection emotional connection and intimacy is so strong until now that they have a baby and somehow the attention has become divided. I know I should not be jealous of the baby. But that’s how it is. You can’t shut your feelings from jealousy and pain, right? You feel it.
Last night, he called and we talked. Right now, I do not know what I want because I feel the same way as Josh does. And that is what’s making it very hard.I dont want him to choose between me and his wife. That is just not right at this time,especially if I will ask him. He has to choose on his own, without me as a dicision factor. Somehow, I guess I wanted him to be my friend, a real one, and wish that the sex has never been a part of it.
Good luck to us!
Hi! I feel the same feelings as this Josh guy does and it is very hard. I am in a similar situation - but what’s extra difficult is your lover telling you that his feelings are slowly diminishing bec of the distance. Ours has been going on for almost 2 years. It started just before he got married, was 7 years into that relationship then before he married her (his wife now). Do you think it is different? Somebody told me that if he really did love me, he clearly should have chosen me and not marry the woman. But you can’t just stop the marriage from happening when he has only met me for a few months. Can he really choose me over a 7 year relationship?I would not think so.I think that time, he was thinking that he made a big mistake when he proposed to her 5 months before we met. Everything was arranged already for the wedding and I know him to be very responsible. I wish he had not married yet at that time so he can evaluate his feelings. Although, I remember it clearly, I think I even said that he should definitely marry her because the trouble that it would cause his and her family and relatives is really scary. By the way, the guy is British and I am Asian.
Until now, we kept it going - not as secret nor openly as we hoped it would be since we live in different countries but he flies to see me a lot. And we write to each other through email everyday. The connection emotional connection and intimacy is so strong until they have a baby and somehow the attention has become divided. I know I should not be jealous of the baby. But that’s how it is. You can’t shut your feelings from jealousy and pain, right? You feel it.
Last night, he called and we talked. Right now, I do not know what I want because I feel the same way as Josh does. And that is what’s making it very hard.I dont want him to choose between me and his wife. That is just not right at this time,especially if I will ask him. He has to choose on his own, without me as a decision factor. Somehow, I guess I wanted him to be my friend, a real one, and wish that the sex has never been a part of it.
Good luck to us!
What is love? Love is more than a feeling. It is a choice to do what is best for another and to care, honor and protect them.
This cannot be done when in a relationship with someone who is commited to another. They are not free to love you with abandon and you are not free to love them with true love. True love is not a selfish love that takes and wants for itself only. Even true self-love is not accounted for in an affair. If you love yourself, you will want to have a lover who is able to love you with the kind of love based on trust. There is no trust in a relationship that sneaks, lies and hurts another. What is planted will grow and come back on the wind to be sown in your fields.
It’s not loving to the other person if you put them at risk for STD’s and pregnancy as well as the emotional pain of a family break up. (Condoms help but they are NOT fool proof. I’ve even heard of other, even permanent birth control methods failing.) Think about the pain that either of these scenarios could cause you or your lover. Love seeks to shelter the other from pain. It is painful to leave when you think you love but it is ten times more painful to let an affair continue-it will fester and explode, leaving you with nothing. Studies show that the anatomy of an affair only breeds more affairs, more unfaithfulness, less love. Boredom hits when there is no longer the “forbidden fruit factor.” And this factor in motion leaves both partners unsatisfied. We were created to have one love for life not multiple relationships that leave pieces of our hearts scattered like a puzzle over the sand of a beach.
What assurance have you that this person with whom you have an affair will not do the same to you apon leaving their partner and coming to be with you?
I’ve been on the other end as well. I was the significant other of someone who had affairs on me. It is not pretty on either end.
I sound hardline here. I do sympathize with the pain you are feeling. I once had to leave someone because he was not free to love me and I was not free to love him with true love. I thought I loved and it cut deeply to make that choice, but that was many years ago and I have no regrets now for walking a way, making a clean cut like an amputation and never looking back. In fact, had I not made that choice, I would not be celebrating my twelve year wedding anniversary with the man of my dreams now. Today is my anniversary. The “love” I had for the man I spoke of earlier is peanuts in comparison to the loving marriage I have with my husband now. Hold out for true love. Walk away and wait for the one who will love and stay with you and be faithful to the end.
Forgive the lengthiness, please. It is a deep subject.
Once again, I want to emphasise to everyone who comments on this web site that the OneLove Campaign is not about judging people because we do not agree with their views or actions; it is not about placing blame and it certainly is not about being self-righteous. On this site, we listen to all differing points of view, and we help each other make decisions that are healthier (physically and emotionally) for ourselves, our families, friends and community.
@Josh - You may not have chosen to have strong feelings for your woman, but I am very heartened to see that you have now chosen to move on. Yes, sometimes you will wonder if moving on is worth all the pain. You will wonder if it’s worthwhile to leave the love in hand( sort of) for the hope of a more rewarding love in the future.
@Lena - One love means no secrets and no lies.
I apologize if I a came across in a judgemental or self-righteous way. I was not intending to. I was responding to the request for advice and to the commenters who state that they are in this type of a relationship too and feel badly because it does contradict their value system.
To the lady who wrote the letter, I applaud you for having the courage to leave and hope that the facts about the anatomy of an affair will encourage you to wait for the one who can love you with true love. I do not judge you.
Gosh, BeckyJoie! You were not being judgemental or self-righteous at all!
You were giving advice based on experience, and in my view, it was very helpful to have someone who comes into this discussion to say, ” I walked away from someone who was not able to love me fully, and have now been happily married to someone who loves me deeply.”
This is the hope that we’d like people like Josh, the letter-writer and Hummingbird to have: that there is love and happiness after ending a multiple concurrent relationship.
HI everyone!
I told you yesterday that my married lover is supposed to call. He did not call and he postponed it for Thursday evening. He said he had to rush home. I felt like hanging when I have prepared for my “walk away line” the whole day yesterday.
I’m not sure what this means: do you think he felt it that he is avoiding to face the break up? Should we just let it pass and not talk anymore? Should I just be out of touch completely without explanation?
@Hummingbird - I’m sorry to hear that he did not call. Your letter indicates that you think that your relationship is on its last legs. Between the distance, his having a baby, the new bond that ties him more strongly with his wife and life just getting busier because his family has grown, your position in the relationship is getting weaker.
And maybe the issue is not how he feels, or whether he can face the break-up or hopes your relationship will die off if left unattended. The issue is, what are you going to do about it?
re your first comments up on this post, you highlight that he could not have chosen you before, because he already had a long-standing commitment with someone else. You say that it would have created problems for him and his family and her family.
If he could not choose you then, do you think that he would choose you now that he and his wife have a child? Also, chances are, this child was not an accident ( the couple being well-informed adults who know about birth control). Therefore, having a child is a further stamp of his commitment to his wife and child.
And once again, where does that leave you? Waiting for him to finally tell you it’s over?
You do have the choice of making a decision about your relationship. You could pin him down and find out if he would ever leave his family. It’s not a question of asking him to do so, but to establish the level of his commitment to you, if there is one.
You could also decide that it’s time for you to get out of a multiple concurrent relationship and to find yourself a partner who loves only you. Making the decision will help you heal because you will be the one who made a positive decision for your life, rather than waiting to be dumped ( whenever that would happen) and then having to recover from the break up of the relationship and the feeling of being unwanted.
You should also consider investing in some professional help. Talk to a counsellor at your local clinic, or a psychologist if you can afford one. It will help you heal, find out why you were emotionally primed to enter such a relationship, and what you need to do to help you make healthier relationship choices.
Thanks for your advice Damaria. I really appreciate it. I have seriously considered professional help. It is just that every time I am with a counselor/psychologist. I dunno what to say. I am tongue-tied! It happened twice already and I look foolish because it looked like I needed help but I am not serious to follow it through.
I think I know why I am into this. It goes back to my family and my failed relationships prior to this. Maybe part of it is also my selfishness and my love for freedom. The love for freedom that doesn’t want a full commitment. When I found him, I developed a certain feeling that hopes to be needed and to stay forever. Unfortunately, he did not choose me.
I need the strength to walk away. I can’t mope around but i find myself doing so even though I don’t want to.
Your site helps me a lot as these people’s inputs help me think straight. I don’t have many friends. And I don’t trust my friends with my innermost feelings, especially these kinds of situations. That is why reading this helps me to get by little by little.
Oh Damaria, I am also confused as to what lesson I should be learning from this. Am I really twisted already that I cannot tell what is right from wrong anymore?
All I know and all I want is to be happy. I know I am not gonna be in this situation forever but sometimes, I think going through this is necessary because I need to learn something. Yet, until now, I dunno what it is.
@Hummingbird - I have to emphasise that when you hire a psychologist and don’t talk to him/her, he doesn’t think that you are foolish. He is more likely to think that maybe you need more help than initially anticipated, and be concerned that you’re not getting it. He’s also more likely to think that you have trust issues ( which you clearly do when you say you have no friends or someone to talk to)So next time you are with a psychologist, try not to worry about looking foolish.
I’m glad that input from people on this is helping you.
As to whether you need to be in this situation to learn something, I believe life’s journey is as long and rough as i want it to be. Say I need to go to Egypt. I could walk there ( a woman called Fiona Campbell? walked across the continent from Cape to Cairo, so it’s possible. I could catch a plane, catch a series of planes, drive there or go in a ship. I will eventually get to Egypt, and the experience using each mode of travel will have been different and taught me different life lessons. Now which mode of travel will be harder on my knees? And which mode of travel will get me there faster, painlessly?
So, yes, maybe there will be lessons to learn from this experience. But do you need the lesson? Could you have done without the painful knees and still gotten where you’re supposed to be in life?
You say you need the strength to walk away from the relationship. And clearly, that’s not going to happen overnight. Keep in mind that we’re here to help each other to make healthier decisions for ourselves, our families and community. So please feel free to read through the articles on the web site, and don’t ever hesitate to ask questions, or to express your feelings here. We’re not going to judge you.
I did it Damaria. I said goodbye to him. I explained to him that i can’t trust him anymore and that I lost some of my respect for him and myself. He asked if we could be friends instead. Should I accept that?
@Hummingbird - I don’t have a straight answer for that question. Emtionally speaking, are you in any shape to be a friend only to him?
Can you see him (in person) as a friend and not want him to love you; not want him sexually? Can you see him and not be emotionally overwhelmed by the love you have for him, and the hope that he would eventually give you more?
Maybe you can be a friend to him later, when you have healed and moved on to a relationship that fulfills you. But for now, focus on wha you need to move on.
BTW, congratulations on taking such a big step. The rest of the journey won’t be easy, because you did have strong feelings for him. But as I said previously, we are here to help and to remind you why you made the decision in the first place.
You are right.I am not ready to be friends with him yet without wishing that he return my affections as I still love him so much.
It is difficult each day but I am carrying on because I believe in the promise of happiness and true joy when this ends.
I vow to be friends with him later when I am already sure that I am “sexually” over him.
Thanks so much for this site!!!
@Hummingbird- this YouTube video makes me laugh, especially the part where she dances around the fire.
Thought you might enjoy it, and find the underlying message useful.
http://www.onelovesouthernafrica.org/index.php/how-to-heal-a-broken-heart/
Dear Hummingbird
I hear you about your dilemma … A few years ago I experienced the same thing and I had to make a decision … be with someone who treats me badly or be alone … I took the hard decision to be alone because being with someone who had someone else was becoming to hard and I was beginning to feel all broken inside. Being alone was hard but it was better than always feeling second best … I commend you for your decision and realise that it is not an easy one … but maybe it is a necessary one in order to find your true self.
@ hummingbird - An additional clarification from my side … when i say I was treated badly I am not even talking about being beaten up or abused or anything like that. When I talk about being treated badly I am referring to the emotional torture you go through wondering if he will come and visit or not visit or wondering where he was or wasn’t etc … these things drove me crazy and I realised that I wanted and needed someone just for me and not someone to share.
Hahaha! The video was funny although I do not like the idea of the night out with a man in thongs! hahahaha!
Thanks!
@Sunshine: Yes, I understand everything now. Difficult but it’s ok…Have you gotten over him?
@ hummingbird
It took a while - a while of trying to forget his cell number, of missed or dropped calls to his number (when my resolve weakened) of sleepless teary nights, lots of romatic comedies (movies), lots of difficult conversations with him when I picked up the phone and did not know he was on the other side, of avoiding certain places I knew he would be at, etc … you get my drift … But it was also a time of bonding with some of my girlfriends … reading more, I embarked on some studying - which kept me busy … I made my flat a safe and comfortable haven I could retreat to … and in this way … even though it took me almost a year I did get over it and I was all the better for it. I have since met someone who is really fabulous and we get one another completely. He is someone who is caring and thoughtful and I know for sure that I am the only one. What the previous relationship taught me - was to recognise the elements of a relationship that I DID NOT want … which enabled me to list the things I did want - top of that list being that I would be the only person in any future partners life.
I see. I wish I can have my happiness soon… and I hope it won’t take too long…I don’t have many friends so that part would be missing in my recovery. I’m basically doing this alone.
My 3yr. relationship just ended today. It hurts bad, but after reading the posting I know that things will get better for me.
Like you stated Sunshine; this relationship has taught me what the real meaning of relationship means. I know what I want in one and what I want allow in one.
Just reading all of these posting have help me so much today. Never the less it feels as though I have a hole in my chest.
I too hope I will find that one true love, but I’m not in hurry. I want my wombs to heal first. This way I will be able to see clearly and not see Yogi. His nickname.
Thanks for listening
@GeorgiaGirl - Thank you for visiting this site. And I’m glad that we were able to help you in some way.
@damaria - Thanks. Even when we do things that we shouldn’t, it feels great to have a support system that won’t judge you. They just listen and help you understand that this is preparing you for the one true love in life and not the one true that belongs to someone else.
Today, I don’t feel as bad, but I still catch myself checking my phone for his call. Then to know that he has moved down the block from my current home with his family, is very hard to deal with.
He knew I was planning on moving in about a year and that right now I could not move. My thing is why move down the block from me?
How am I suppose to heal with him living so close?
@GeorgiaGirl - Maybe running away ( or moving) was not the answer for you.
When you heal and he’s right there in your neighbourhood, you won’t have to wonder if your heart has healed; you will know 200% because you will be able to meet him and feel nothing ( not anger or love or yearning).
You will be able to fall in love knowing full well that you are giving your new partner a whole heart; not a heart that you wonder if it still belongs to someone else.
Whereas, if you are away, you’d always wonder how you’d feel if you saw him again.
As for healing, use any tool you can find to heal. Use the fact that he would move near you knowing that you are not over him yet. That is not the act of someone who is thinking of your feelings/ best interests, is it? For that matter, he can’t be thinking of his wife’s best interests either - she would be hurt if she found out about you and thought he moved them to be near you.
The key will be to keep so busy you don’t have the time to “accidentally” pass his building, or to brood about him so much you end up calling him.
Work hard at your job. Might be a good time to gun for a promotion, or to take on a second job to earn some cash.
Hang out with friends, go for long walks/to the gym, or take up a new hobby.
If you have close friends who know the situation, ask them to help you. When you’re tempted to call him, call them for a chat until the moment passes.
Most importantly, don’t stay trapped in your home, afraid to go out in case you meet him, because that will only make the situation bigger that it really is. If you do meet him, smile politely ( and say hello if it’s appropriate) and move on.
Make sure you’re not put in a situation where you are alone with him, where you are reminded of what used to be or could have been.
All you people are such hyprocrites. You all have so much judgement in you. Here is 2 people pouring there hearts out, and you all have the audacity to jump on them and grind them into the ground. You all speak so openly about the bible….does anyone then remember…..”he without sin, cast the first stone”????
Life is tough enough, without humanity and empathy for another human, what do we really have left. There is so much crime, war, negativity, can no one out there spare these two loving human beings some understanding. So the had affairs with married people, so what, you show me a married couple that either one or both at some stage havnt wondered whether there is more to life that the 4 walls that surround them. I am divorced for the same reason, my husband had an affair for years before i found out. I chose to leave him, for the pure fact that if our marriage lacked what he was finding in someone else, then who am i to question where he finds his happiness.
Move on people, evolve….its so easy for one to point the first finger at the single party, but its so sad that they should be victimised for love. I am christian, and as far as i have heard and read……..God is Love. Has any of you people stopped to realise why we exist, here is food for thought…we are here to experience the ultimate love in finding the purest love, that so far, only God has for us. We certainly keep trying, but that is the path of life, keep trying, keep hoping, keep loving. Dont condemn the young people, they need to experience and learn that whilst searching for there ideal diamond, there are many pebbles in between…
So please people, look long and hard in the mirror and first find yourselves without fault before judging others. This site is for support and guidance, not condemnation. Remember, the only time one should look down on another is when YOU are bending down to lend a helping hand.
I certainly dont condemn them, but am concerned that they are at risk of getting HIV - unfortunately we live in a coutnry where the rate is among the highest in the world and it seems that a big reason is because of having more than one parter at the same time. OK if you dont want to be faithful to your partner at least protect them from serious disease?!
Thank you BeckyJoie. You said the exact words I needed to hear at this moment
I am a single 28 years old Iranian girl and I have recently been through a break up with a married man, its great relief for me to read your advice
God Bless you
Dear onelove
I am 28yrs and i have child who is 8yrs and i am seeing a guy who is in a stable relationship with two children. but now he tells me he want to have baby with me but he doesn’t want to break up with the children mother…..and now whenever we have plans he wants to change them always because of her and so now i have reached a decision to break it off with him….i know i still love him so much but it hurts me the way things are.
I am 28years old and i have been having an on and off affair with a 37 year old married man for the past 15 months.I love him so much.and i love his two children aswell.
I know our relationship is forbidden. I have done everthing possible to end the relationship .I have told him that we must cut ties completely and not be friends but he always comes back.He tells me that he needs me in his life.In october i lied to him and told him that i have decided to get back with my ex, he was so hurt but he wished me well, but he did not want to cut ties with me.the following day i told him that it was a lie its just that i am desperate to end my relationship with him. a few days later our relationship continued again.We love each other that much i know.Last week i did something i am so ashamed of, simply because i am so desperate to end my relationship with him.I phoned his wife, using a private number, and let her listen to our conversation.His wife phoned him and was so angry at him.He asked me whether i had made those calls and i denied it.But that very evening i confessed to him.I told him that i am the one that phoned and i had planned everthing because i was jealous of her.He is very angry at me.He said he is disappointed that i would stoop so low, he has always put me on a pedastal.I am so sorry for hurting him.I sent him so many sms apologising , i even want to apologise to his wife but he said i must let him sort out his own sh*t.I know he loves me.We relate so well together but the timing is just not right. we do his family groceries together, sometimes i do them myself. I help him with a whole lot of things that his wife is suppose to be doing. Two weeks ago it was his mother’s birthday and he asked me to help him buy a gift for his mother.I love him so much,making him hate me i feel will make it easier for us to move on.if we are mernt to be together one day we will find our way back to each other.
Here we go again, txk please start reading from the first posting, I am very sure it will help your situation.
Well, I have yet to muster up the resolve strength to my problem. My main problem is the core of knowing I am wrong. And I can pin-point when I crossed over into the ‘wrong’. I fell madley in-love when I was 17 and he was 18. We spent two straight weeks together before he shipped to Nam. I wrote faithfully– as did he. No matter what, there has always been a him and a me– a we. Even when time, circumstance…etc separated us. We found each other, wrote, called… spent time together.. Somehow and i don’t know how this happened– but I married in 74′. I couldn’t find him– but I did travel alone the night of my wedding 500 miles and found him to tell him I had married. It was too late. I stayed married and ‘physically’ committed for 20 years. BUT he and I spoke, wrote and saw each other at least twice a year. I had contacted him Mother in 95′ to see where and how he was– she announced he had finally married. I was devasted… but told her to tell him congratulations. I went about my life– then he contacted me to tell me his Mom had passed. THIS, right here.. was the split second I was wrong. I knew he was married– he did not tell me..nor mention it. Again– as always we met– spent our usual wonderful time together– and it has been that was ever since. It is now 2010 and I remain a lover, friend, whatever. We speak twice a day and more… I travel to see him and spend time when he is on business trips. I have told him in no uncertain terms that I feel horrorable, guilty… and wrong. That ever out talks are not mine to have– they are a innocent womans. I did try very hard for 1 1/2 years to not speak to him… that was June 06-Jan 08′. I crumbled miserably when I answered a call and heard his voice. Anyway– I am a walking contradiction of sin and love and I am weak. I want so badly to do what I feel is the right things to do– I just want to STOP and walk away… and you may not believe this, but I want to walk away for her.. for her honor… for her… she does not deserve this. 43 years is enough. God help me.
Grant ,I met my lover or should i say exlover about a week ago.We had a long chat, its over.I know deep in my heart that i deserve more than what he was offering me.Prior to our meeting he tried to make me feel guilty by wanting to end our relationship; he kept on saying that how could i hurt him when he has been giving me his all.Can you believe the nerve.If he was giving me his all i wouldnt be a secret in his life.This time its over for good.I have prayed about it. Everyday i realise how short i was selling myself by loving someone that wanted me to be a secret in his life.When we were talking he said he will miss me and even requested that we have sex for one last time before i walk away from his life.I dont know whether to take this as a compliment or an insult.He will definitely miss me because i was always at his back and call, i did things for him that his wife should have been doing buti was still not good enough for him to introduce me to the whole world as his woman, so its over.I cant wait for the day when i will wake up and not feel anything for him.
Hello to everyone reading this. i dont know u, u dont know me but i will share with you this part of my life. i need some help and some advice, but i know in the end it will have to be my decision.
i am 38yrs old, my husband is 39. next week my husband and i will make 18yrs of marriage. i started with him at the age of 16, we got married 5 yrs later, i was 21. i moved from home to another country and he came to me after 3 months, we got married. we had sex after marriage (5yrs After going steady). i was bought up like that and wanted to wait.his mother didnt want him to marry me, i understand she wanted him to further his career. nine mnths after marriage i had a baby, didnt plan, but i was happy about it. when my baby was 6 months old i was pregnant again. now our lives, we started with noting. we were both without close relatives near.it was hard but i loved him.
i am trying to make this short. apon my first week of marriage, he was already not too into lovemaking. i didnt have much confidence in myself to begin with since i was affected about my complexion as a child. i was the darkest in my family. i was called names about my colour and even told by my mom that i was maybe exchanged at birth, she may have been joking, i dont know but it affected me.my siblings called me blackie, black shit.
anyways my husband at times started to get angry when i wanted him, he would get out of bed and go sleep in the vehicle or where ever he could, couch etc. we moved a number of times and it happened everwhere we moved to. i spent many nights crying and taking care of my needs myself many times. i started to be afraid to touch him. he wanted me yes, but it was only when HE needed, he would come touch me and i would be happy and i would have to wait maybe 5 days before he feels like that again. i was taken up with bringing up the girls and he was working long hours into the night. this continued on but we had good times between. he had an anger problem too, he hit me a few times but stopped when i was pregnant with out third. i went away to my country of birth once to be away from him but came back and said i will try again and got pregnant with out third (5 YRs after the second) his anger continued on and off, he would break things in the home. he spent times throught out our years when he would be in silence and i would always break the ice. i meanwhile continued to be at home and taking care, i have a job also that i did at home to help with the finances. we took no outings. i was always at home, only stepped out to go to the super market. i though my kids to read and write, they started school at 5+. my husband was not very affectionate, he came to me when he wanted me. our sex was very fast. when i really always wanted to continue, he would be finished. i accepted that cause i knew nothing else. we never had a time when we did more than once a night. now five years after the 3rd i was pregnant. the pregnancies were were my choice, i always said i wanted to have a baby. i dont know if i wanted them because i was constantly missing something from him. my babies i took care of with dedication, i cooked, cleaned, and did my other home job. my husband wouldnt remeber to buy me a card on anniv, bdays, i would cry, yet the same thing would happen again. i cried a lot of tears. i was loving to him, i wrote him cards for no reason. as the kids grew, his anger continued, he doesnt have much conversation with the girls. i was sick at one point with depression and anxiety. hwe was like a soldier, drill the kids, he called them names, like lazy asses, bruts, he would pelt phones, throw TV, hit computer. he tried pelting our daughter one day with a phone, it missed her head and went to the glass door and shattered the glass. that was when i wanted him to leave. this story can go on. the kids did karate, when the didnt win their fights, he would drive them home wild and angry, if u dont finish in time for him to pick u up he gets angry, u have to constantly be aware of ” dad will be angry” he is very dedicated to his family in ways of working and not drinking , he has no friends. he is very mannerly outside the home. there were not many times that he would say beautiful things to me. i didnt have mu ch attention from him. i felt like i always had to beg. we have both be occupied with children and hard work.
16yrs after marriage, i started to go out a bit with my brother an sis-in-law. my husband dont like dancing and clubs. i dot care for clubs either, but dont mind going ocassionally. he started to drop me there sometimes while he is at work so i can wait then he will pick me up.i was alone at times. i met someone at that place. i have never looked at anyone, i had no interest. but that person looked at me and i looked at him, something happened. a few mins later, i was playing with a lava lamp in the club, no one was in the club, he comes in and asks me for a dance. i dont dance with men but something made me dance with him. (waltz). all i know was it felt perfect, everything about him, the way he smelt, felt, moved. my husband called while i was dancing with him, i told him i had to leave. he asked for my num, i gave him, i dont give my number to men but i did to him, something made me. the next morning, coincidentally i say him in the supermarket, he saw me with my husband and didnt talk to me but gave me that look.the next day i had a text say, “thinking about u” i told my husband about the whole thing but not how i felt.he didnt think anything of it and even told me to call the guy to find out what is his interest. i called him, but only to tell him, i was married iwth 4 kids and to not call me. 3 months after that, i started the gym, and my god help me, he was in the gym!! thats when it started, i had all sort of fantasies, he made me get hot all over, i felt feelings i never knew existed. we started talking, it took him a number of attempts, he was patient but i ended up sleeping with him. i never felt that intense, such feelings with my husband, the whole thing was nothing like i was accustomed to. i never knew it was possible for someone to make love to u 3 times in three hours. i told my husband what i did a few weeks after, because i felt bad, didnt want him to think he is still the only one i had. that it seemed was my mistake.
its 22 months later and i still see my lover. we tried to stop a number of times but we keep missing eachother. he is single, i cant keep doing this to him, because i cant be with him the way he wats and the way i want. we always have very little time with eacother. my husband now is always suspicious. my husband told my 2 girls a few months ago, my in-laws know. my life is now in torment. i continued to see my lover, he is in love with me, and i am with him. he is single with no children. the things he constantly says to me are always so intense and wonderful. he is wonderful. i have so much pain. i dont know what to do i am not happy in my marriage. my husband told me a lot of painful, dirty, hurtful things, including quotes from the bible. he reminds me of it constantly.he was never the kind who sit and talks to me a lot. i hurted him i know. but i know he loves me and he has started to change somewhat. my kids i know r scarred with his anger. right now i told my lover, to not contact me in any way cause i need time and i cant keep on this road. i was still ok sleeping with my husband for sometime after, it actually helped our sex life a bit. but now i dont want to sleep with him anymore cause it feels like sleeping with my best friend, but he is pushing me constantly and at times roughs me up. i dont like him touching me or even looking at me in that way. my husband wants me more than ever befor since i told him. i feel cold towards him. my husband is totally different in looks from my love, different races height age , everything. i am more happy and confortable iwth my lover. i do at times feel an attraction with my husband but it doesnt last. he constantly makes me feel sorry cause he sort of intimidates me. he says he cant be happy without me an di feel compelled and guilty that i hav eto stay in the marriage. i am depressed, i feel my lover is the source of my happiness, i am so happy when i am with him. my lover said i am his other half, when he is sad i am sad, whne he is happy, i am happy, he has show interest in my children, even got my daughter a bday present. i know is feeks guilty for being with me an dfeeling like that about me. he know he did something wrong. is it possible for me to fall in love with my husband and continue on without the one who has my heart? maybe my lover would hurt me back in years to come. i dont know, god help me. my mom says to me to do what makes me happy. my in law says i will regret if i leave her son. i have 4 children to think about. i want them in a loving home not with an angry dad or a mother who doesnt love their father anymore. my children are now 17,16,11 and 5. two girls, two boys. the girls think i will be happy without their dad an di should get a divorce. they know and spoke to my lover on a few ocassions. please i need ur advices. thank u.
what i can tell you is this: in marriages we get 80% of what we need and in extra marital affairs we get 20%. 20% is very attractive and fullfiling if you are not getting it and you end up making a mistake of believing that 20% is a 100%, and throw away your 80% for 20%. Secondly, extra marital affairs doesnt solve marriage problems. if you really loved your husband and respected your marriage you should have done soething about your husband’s anger problem - counselling. you should have fought harder for your marriage before you throw your self in another man’s arms. Im a married woman, two kids and a miscarriage, my marriage is not a bed of roses but i try harder every day and i pray. a marriage is work, you need to keep working on it.
hi there fellow friends
hi there fellow friends
I’M 31 YEARS OLD AND MY MARRIED LOVER IS 33
its is so hard to talk to the Lord when you are hurt, i’m confused, misrable and frustated, i so wish oneday i can wake up and feel nothing for my borrowed man. Sometimes i just ask myself how did i let myself into this kind of situation. i’m in love with my married man, and in the meantime i feel i deserve better, but to tell him we must break up, is not easy for me… i spend lonely nights crying, waiting for him to call or to come, or to sms me but he doesnt. Once maybe in a week he will call me, then i will be so excited confusing myself that he still want to be with me. I so wish sex wasnt part of all this misery…
i never wanted him to leave his wife or kids for me and i also do respect him , i dont call @ night or sms during weekends , but i want him to make me feel that i’m also part of his life.. he is the only man in my life.
i couldnt spent time with him in december,, so first week of january i begged him to come and spend time with me,,, i started swearing him for the 1st time in our 13 months and his reply was ” STOP BEING A NAG, BECAUSE YOU ARE DRIVING ME AWAY”…. i cried so loud that fateful day, asking myself how do you love somebody that is married, and he knows how you feel about him,, and he still have guts to tell you, YOU ARE A NAG,,,,
i want out asap, because if i dont, i will be miserable today until forever
so guys help me
1. HOW DO I FORGET ABOUT HIM?
2. HOW DO I CONVIENCE MYSELF THAT, THERE IS SOMEONE OUTHERE WHO CAN LOVE ME THE WAY I AM SUPPOSED TO BE LOVED
3. HOW DO I TELL HIM “I QUIT” WITHOUT ME REGRETING IT AFTER/
hello one love
Sorry to hear about your troubles. I’m published your letter in the front page of the web site, so that all our readers can see it and input on it today.
I’ve also emailed a number of people ( and Soul City staff who are involved in the OneLove campaign to solicit their input).
As for me, I suspect that you do know what you need to do; you’re just not sure you’re ready to do it because it will hurt to severe relations with a man you say you love. At some stage you’re going to have to think about which one is the greater pain - the pain of being with a borrowed man, or the pain of breaking up and moving on.
Also keep in mind that being in a multiple concurrent partnership increases your risk of getting HIV, so you’re not only in a sexual relationship with the husband, you’re in a relationship with his wife and all the other women that he may be involved with.
Anyhoo, check out some of our reader responses to your letter later this afternoon.
hi “I’M INLOVE BUT CONFUSED”
im been in a relationship for 5 years now. we have a 1 year old. the relationship was wonderful at first and it became a roller coaster when he was cheating on me with different women and he eventually broke up with me claiming he no longer loves me because i’m desrepectful, i was devastated. after 4 months i asked him to give us a chance and he agreed, when we got back together we had a child immediately and we decided to move in together.since we moved in together i have never been suspicious and he’s been really good to me since.but he has hit me twice and told me to get my own place because i’m desrespectfull, but then he apologised on both instances. i once told him that i wanted to move out, he was not happy with the idea so i stayed. he’s asked for my family’s hand in marriage and they agreed, he’;s due to pay lobola but im really not sure if i’ve forgiven him for what he did. i love very much he’s a great partner and a great dad and he’s always been there for me through my hardest times.but when i remember the cheating and the hitting i just hate him!
i’m confused, please advise
Lise M - You need to a counsellor, who can help you to work out the status of your relationship and where you want to take it.
The issues are not only about whether you forgive him for the affairs and the hitting, but whether he recognises that he hurt you and gets help for whatever reasons that drove him to these things. Some of the change can come from you, but he has to change too.
So get counselling on your own, and also consider getting couples counselling.
If you’re not sure who you can talk to, speak to your church pastor, or your a counsellor from your nearest FAMSA office. You can also phone Lifeline, if leaving your home to get counselling is a problem at the beginning.
We all feel the same way when we are involved with a married man. I am involved with a married man whom I had a huge fight last night. For almost 2 years its been an emotional roller for me. We are each other best friends, but I have felt all of you guys have gone through… Doubts, fears and insecurity.
I really dont know what to do. He is my lover and my best friend. Losing my lover means losing also the person i trusted the most.
@alessandra-you say that he is your best friend and you trust him the most. Are you his best friend? And if so, where does the wife fit in?
Hi Everyone!
Hi Damaria!
I should be in good spirits while writing this, after almost a year passed by. Was it 10 months?
Damaria, do you remember the time when I said goodbye? I was able not to contact him for 10 months and now we are writing to each other again. 10 months is not such a long time to get over someone whom you’ve had a very deep connection with. He sent me an email last week and he told me that it had been painful for him when I said goodbye. I didn’t realize it was going to be that painful for him and I wonder. I searched for some old feelings left… and I think I still have such feelings. I wasn’t able to bury it completely.
We have been writing to each other a few times now. I think we are trying to mature through it all, to be mindful of the paths we had taken in the past 10 months and try as much as possible NOT TO BRING OLD FEELINGS back again.
I missed him Damaria and I could not even tell him that. I still love him… with so much passion that I wanted to shout—but I couldn’t because I do not want to start it all over again.
I’m getting my life back on track now. I am happy teaching. I left sales bec there’s always temptation there.
Question now is: is this going to be healthy if I keep this going? I feel a little apprehension on the sidelines, maybe bec I do not know if I’m gonna “do” it again. The pains and the struggles I had when I walked away last year are going to lose their meanings.
I wanna know what you have to say about this.
Hey Hummingbird
I found your story heartbreaking before, and it stuck to my mind. So I’m glad to hear you’re doing better. Re your question, let me do some thinking will get back to you ASAP.
@Damaria: Okay. I will wait. I hope not too long though… *wink*
nah, not too long. Anyhoo, here goes; Ask yourself this,
1. What does this man want from you? Maybe he says he wants only friendship, but is that all?/ Or is he hoping that, with time, he can get you back?
2. Let’s say he only wants friendship from you. Is it really possible for you to be platonic, especially considering how you love him? Is he thinking about your best interests, and how to make sure that you heal, when he asks to maintain contact? Or is he thinking about how he can feel better with you in his life?
3. you’ve put in a lot of work to walk away from this relationship, and to move on with your life. Are you going to allow someone to come and rip away the bandage you put over your wound, making it bleed again?
4. None of this says his siuation has changed. He’s not telling you that he and his wife have divorced. So what is he offering you that is new? What will make the situation different this time?
On a personal note ( i.e. not speaking for onelove), I realise that many people believe that you can become a platonic friend with a former lover. And maybe it is possible, once you have trully healed, let go, and have a new man in your life who you are secure loves you very much and whom you love the same way. Until you have that, and this man no longer makes your heart thump, trying to be friends with him is simply courting heartbreak. Because even if you do not get back together, it brings your old feelings back, and you shouldn’t have to deal with them all over again.
i hope this helps, and please keep talking to us, Hummingbird. We’re here to support you ans many people who face the same challenges you do.
Here is my reply:
1. I do not know what he wants from me but I know that I want his friendship. In July 2009, he asked if we could be friends and I couldn’t at that time. Now, I can extend a bit of myself for him FOR AS LONG AS we just write and NOT see each other. Seeing him might start another ball game. I feel that he is trying to be “formal” about everything but I can sense this overwhelming feeling trying to get out but for the sake of everybody, he’s controlling it too. It’s the same on my side.
2. I’m sure of the platonic part since we are just writing to each other. I just dunno if I see him. I’m not planning on seeing him and I dunno if he gets the feeling that I want to see him. It’s the last thing on my mind. I just enjoy talking with him now, updating each other on those 10 months we missed without bringing old feelings back. Yet, honestly, my feelings for him came back bec he made me read a book-The Millennium Trilogy- and I saw how we were in that story. I wonder if he did that on purpose.
3-4. I can’t allow someone to hurt me again, whether it is him or any other/new guy. And you are right-nothing has changed on his part. He’s still married and with child. From the looks of it, he’s happy somehow. I dun think that it makes a difference when he said he was hurt when I left him.
Completely healed? Me? Maybe not completely bec I still find myself crying sometimes. BUT, I’m pretty sure that I am stronger now compared to the ME last year. People’s motives are an issue to me now. Before, it doesn’t matter as long as I dun get myself into trouble.
Damaria, I don’t and I must not have to deal with old feelings again. But the Pandora’s box has been opened—again. Should I avoid all contact?
@hummingbird
You sound stronger,that is really good.
Re: Pandora’s box - You have and will always have a choice; now and in the future. That is, to stop all contact now, or in the future.
You could choose to continue to email him now, and hope that it remains as friendship. But I think that’s a slippery slope you don’t really want to go down again. As you say, you don’t have plans to see him now. Let’s face it, you didn’t have plans to chat to him 5 months ago:-)
So to answer your question about whether you should avoid all contact, i’d say yes, cut off all contact.
Heal some more, get your life on track; meet another guy and fall in love and be loved and be happy - and if the need for friendship with this man is still present then, become friends with him as an equal, when you also have a partner and there is less chance of his drawing you into a relationship.
If he is your friend, and your friendship is worth rescuing, it can wait until both of you are ready.
Though I couldn’t help but laugh but thinking about how a man whose crazy about you would take to the friendship! I’d love to see this guy you were seeing trying to explain himself to someone who really loves you and is devoted to you:-)] If the man who you eventually fall in love with again is as smart as I hope, he’ll make sure you’ll have no interest in renewing old acquiantances!
To try to explain why I personally don’t think attempting friendship is a good idea right now, I’m going to ask you to put yourself in the wife’s shoes. Say you’re very much in love with your husband, and then you find out that he has been involved with someone else for a long time. You have a huge row, and he tells you that he chooses you and wants to make the marriage work. And he tells you that he broke up with the woman he was seeing. Would you be OK with him remaining friends with her? Would you trust that the relationship is now platonic and will remain so? That thread of attraction and loyalty that a wife would fear, that’s he reason I question whether two people who had an affair can have a platonic friendship.
And quite frankly, I feel that your friend is neither thinking about your best interests, or the best interests of his wife or child.
I agree. That’s the best advice so far.
“Though I couldn’t help but laugh but thinking about how a man whose crazy about you would take to the friendship! I’d love to see this guy you were seeing trying to explain himself to someone who really loves you and is devoted to you:-)] If the man who you eventually fall in love with again is as smart as I hope, he’ll make sure you’ll have no interest in renewing old acquiantances!” - I did not quite understand this part , though. What do you mean?
No, I was just laughing at myself because I’m saying to you, wait until you’re happly involved with someone else before you consider any kind of friendship with this man. Yet, when you are happily involved with someone else, somehow I doubt you will want to renew an old friendship with your current guy.
Ah yes. I can see the point. That’s probably true.
It’s hard to find a decnet man without showing a side of yourself that is connected to your past. It just shows, Damaria. It’s always trial and error…
Well, yes, it shows. But then, I think life is not about hiding aspects of yourself from people who love you. I think it’s about being true to who you are, living your life with integrity ( to yourself and to the people around you.) It’s not always easy, and sometimes it seems so much easier to just try to hide, but I think in the long run, when you don’t apologise for being you, you see less accusation from people’s eyes about decisions and actions that may not be wise.
Because, believe me, most of us have been there, when we’ve done things we’d rather not think too much about, and only a fool or someone who’s very naive and hasn’t really faced life’s challenges would dare judge another.
I guess what I’m saying is, I was not implying you should hide your past to whomever you may fall in love with. That said, people move forward, and I guess you’ll want to focus on your happiness then, not your past, and he will want you to focus on him and your new life, not your past love.
I gotta focus… I gotta focus!
Thank you so much Damaria.
As for new love, I have met someone but I do not know yet where this is going. He’s very much single! LOL. I am taking my time. Patience is a virtue…
Is it ok to tell him about my past relationship? I’m thinking of NOT telling anything since it’s the past, aside from the fact that it is too early. But, what if he asks about it? Should I be honest and tell everything in one sitting or just some facts that won’t highlight how immoral in had been?
I gotta focus… I gotta focus!
Thank you so much Damaria.
As for new love, I have met someone but I do not know yet where this is going. He’s very much single! LOL. I am taking my time. Patience is a virtue…
Is it ok to tell him about my past relationship? I’m thinking of NOT telling anything since it’s the past, aside from the fact that it is too early. But, what if he asks about it? Should I be honest and tell everything in one sitting or just some facts that won’t highlight how immoral it had been?
@hummingbird - Well, I’m glad you met someone new. Take things slowly; you don’t have to tell him everything in one sitting. And your having a past relationship, even if your previous partner was married, is NOT this big confession that you have to make. The guy rates the same mention as all your other exes, unless the issues affect your current relationship.
And don’t forget that moving on means forgiving yourself. I see no benefit in telling your man how “immoral” you are.
I think I should highlight that OneLove DOES NOT MORALISE about multiple concurrent partners. Our aim is to highlight that being in such a relationship not a healthy choice.
The basic facts of your story are: you were involved with a man who turned out to be engaged to someone else, he married that someone else and continued the relationship with you at the same time. You thought you loved him and couldn’t let go, but later realised that it was hurting you and you deserved better. So you broke it off. See? Summmary touches the basics, but doesn’t go into too much detail about the morality of it.
The rest of the issues you can go into at your discretion, when the relationship evolves and there’s greater trust and it’s actually relevant.
Another point is that we believe, OneLove means no secrets and no lies. But that doesn’t means bludgeoning people with moral judgements. And somehow, once your relationship is such that you need to give more details about this relationship,I’d expect your partner would be more concerned about how much you were hurt by the relationship, instead of how “immoral” you were to love this guy in the first place.
Thank you so much. I like the summary part. It makes me feel “clean”.
I wonder if the other guys here were able to walk away and stay emotionally healthy somehow. It was hard at first—very hard, you know. But I remembered what you said last year. No one will love me IF I don’t love “me” (myself).
Glad to help. That’s what OneLove is here for.
Some people have managed to walk away from the relationships. Some still battle, because as you know, the married partner will not necessarily make it easy if he/she still wants to continue.
And keep in touch; we’ll be here if staying away from the relationship gets hard again.
I know. In 2008-2009, it also had been a push and pull game between my lover and I. I’m glad to be out of that. Now, I have to learn to set aside the old feelings that resurfaced recently.
I know who to contact in case I have relationship troubles again… YOU!
I will keep in touch-definitely!
ive lived this exact life and i am still living it however i have become emotionless a friend of mine asked me how i feel about my MM and i didnt have an answer and then i realized it was because i didnt have one emotion left inside of me and that then made me sad how ironic….it all began with that stupid facebook. i reconnected with a friend and from that moment on we became “soulmates” which ive read is pretty common in MM and OW. but you always think your story is different. not so much its exactly the same as hers and hers and hers…we talked for a few months before we actually met and after we met it was on. he soooo conviently lived in another town and came to see me quite often. now im not doubting his feelings for me BUT now i feel very different about our close relationship and realize it might not have been close after all. so if i gave the details you would see there are soooo much like yours…the sex, the chemistry..the cohabitation that exsisted in THEIR home life..the flowers..gifts…tears..the undying promise of undying HONEST and love….well i sit here tonnight at 1200 and call bullshit to all of it because he is laying in bed with her and where am i?? let me tell you, ive felt guilty for talking to other men, kissing other men, or not answering or responding to his call or emails or texts…but you know what if i needed him at 1200 he cannot and would not be there and until now i never held him accountable for that….and to that i say I AM SOOO OVER IT!!!!! im off to bigger and better and before i do so, i may have to hit up a therapy session to see how much damage ive done to myself…afterall i do take FULL RESPONSIBLITY for my actions and in no way blame him….we all need to be accountable…and i have done just that…no regrets just lessons….
Hi Susie
Thanks for sharing your story. And it’s wonderful that you are taking full responsibility for your actions. Good luck; we’re here to support men and women who face the same challenges you do. So share with us when it gets hard. We won’t judge you.
Check out, “And now you remain a beautiful part of my past,” a letter from a partner who is choosing to walk away from a relationship.
She says: “…today I am choosing to close this chapter. I am choosing to move on. I am choosing to walk away.”
http://www.female2female.co.za/?p=1407
Dear readersI’m a 30 year old women who met a married man 3 weeks ago, the guy was upfront with me from day one that he was married and that he will never leave his wife, due to the fact that they have a child togeather. At first i thought it would just be a one-night-stand kinda thing, however we have met each other every single day since we met. I hate to say this but the guy makes me feel good and he is so in-love with me.
Am i wrong to love a married man?
PENNY JHB
Hi Penny
I think you know it’s wrong or you would not be writing this letter.
You need to think about:
1. Why you would settle for a man to whom you will never be a top priority when you could find someone who would value you more
2. The danger you face from HIV from this man. ( you are in a sexual network, and who knows who else your man is sleeping with besides his wife, and whether his wife is sleeping with someone else too.)
3. Chances are, the relationship will eventually end, if he has no plan to leave his wife. You can choose to end it sooner, before you get even more attached, or you can choose until the relationship runs its course, which will likely hurt more in the end.
I wish you the best, and hope that the reader comments here helped you to see that you can walk away, and make healthier relationship choices for yourself.
hey guys its susie and would you believe after being sooooo strong and sure of my feelings i fell right back in the same boat. and i sit here wondering how i really got back here???? someone had mentioned the relationship “run its course” to another person but i have to say if it was that easy-mine would be so played out long ago and i wish that would have truly been the case. i recently asked him if he still has sex with his wife and its true when people say to be careful what you ask…we have always been honest so he told me they were still physical and it still makes me sick inside to write those words but what makes me sicker is after the intial shock i am still here and do you know i never even yelled, screamed or cried to him? if you knew me, you would know that is just not normal..so here i sit, a month later but worse off before because i still love him!!!! it is the most insane thing i have ever experienced….help….advice….
Hi Susie
I’m sorry that you’re back to square one with your relationship and hurting all over again, especially because you sounded so optimistic the last time you posted.
You know, it’s easy enough to give advice, or even think about taking it. It’s harder to live with the decision, because whether you stay or leave the relationship, it will hurt ( hence the original article headline). So let me start by emphasising that none of the decisions you need to make are going to be easy.
But, you’re the one who has to decide which pain you prefer to live with - the short-term pain of breaking up with him, and working your way towards a much healthier a healthier life, or the pain of being in a relationship where you know you and your feelings and your health are not top priority, and where the relationship possibly doesn’t have a happy ending for you.
You have already pointed out that your nature is being suppressed to try to hold onto the relationship. How happy can you be with someone if you ca’t even tell them when they hurt you? And how long can you hold onto the pain of being in such a relationship?
Sometimes I marvel when people say “we have always been honest with each other.” If I take a big sharp knife, hold it to your throat and then tell you, I’m going to stab you with a knife now, and then do accordinly, is the knife wound going to hurt less than if I didn’t say anything? And if he was as honest as all that from the beginning of the relationship, why:
a) did you go into a relationship with him
b) think that he would at some stage stop having sex with him wife?
The only advantage that you have from his honesty is that you now have the information to be able to make healthy decisions for your life.
YOU CAN BREAK AWAY FROM THE RELATIONSHIP. You’ve done it before, and you can do it again. And just because you went back doesn’t mean you’re not capable of making it stick next time.
Break up with him and make it final this time. Do whatever you need to do to get away. Move, change your job, threaten to tell his wife about it if he is the one pursuing you.
The first thing to decide about any relationship is if it has integrity and equality/balance. An R with a married/attached person can never have these things. This is all there in the beginning to see in most R, but especially in this type of R and it’s best to not let it ever happen.
Once you get attached, for those who do, it is MUCH harder to break away.
All affairs hurt someone else, as well as yourself. Even if the attached person leaves you will never have a clean slate with them so to speak unless their partner agrees with the split. But you still have to deal with the deceit which you involved yourself in. That will be baggage in your new relationship if is survives.
Can whatever happiness you got from this possibly be worth all of the pain you are in?
Real love is NOT secret and unbalanced, no matter what anyone tells you to the contrary. If there is anything secret/hidden there will never be balance and comfort.
@anonymous - Thanks for your wise input.
I just read all of the posts on here and have one thing to say:NEVER EVER GET INVOLVED WITH A MARRIED MAN!! I have been involved with a man for 3 yrs. It’s funny because it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. The time just flew by. The man just happens to be a doctor AND my boss. I have known him for many years before getting involved with him. I know for a fact that his marriage was awful long before I ever had any feelings for him. About 3 yrs ago I started to realize that I had feelings for him although I would have never told him or anyone. I wouldn’t have acted on those feelings either. There came a day that he needed to talk to me and I honestly thought I was losing my job or something. Turns out he wanted to tell me that he was having feelings for me that went beyond just the routine work relationship. Let me back up and say this: He is an absolutely wonderful man. Very thoughtful and caring. There isn’t anyone around that doesn’t like him. Guess that’s why I am drawn to him. Initially we just talked and texted alot. I need to mention too that I was also married. When I realized that my feelings for him were getting really intense I left my husband. I didn’t leave to be with him. I left because if I was having these feelings for another man it meant I didn’t love my husband, at least not the way I was supposed to. I believe that you can only truly love one person. I couldn’t split my feelings between the two. I also didn’t want to cross any lines that I knew were about to be crossed. That wouldn’t have been fair to my husband. We carried on seeing each other for 3 yrs. We have gone out of town together on numerous occasions. I have such a great time with him. I feel for the first time ever in my life I know what love is. I know now how I should feel when I’m with a man. I feel it with him. I really enjoy the fact that we could talk. That was a major problem in my marriage. My husband never talked to me at all. That’s really how I fell into this relationship. We talked all of the time. There was never a day that I didn’t talk to him. Shopping, buying groceries, watching my kids play sports, etc. I was always talking to him. After 2 1/2 years my “lover” started saying that he couldn’t take it anymore and was going to have to get out of his house. He had to leave her he said. I hadn’t pushed this at all. He brought it up. He rented a house in town and was going to move in it. He talked to me all of the time about us being together. He talked About how he wanted an exclusive relationship with me. We discussed kids, work, religion, and anything else that could have been an issue with us being together. After him having his house being rented for a few months and he didn’t move in it I started to get angry. He was the one that said he was leaving. He started planning a life with me. I told him that I couldn’t continue the way we were. There was a guy that worked with us while training In the department. He began to pay attention to me and asked me out. I struggled mentally over me going to dinner with him. I wanted so much to be with my lover but I began to think that he wasn’t going to leave and I couldn’t be the other woman. I went to dinner with this other guy and it’s almost as if it made my doctor friend jealous. I didn’t plan it that way but the jealousy was a nice thing to see. Now he knew how I felt everytime his wife came in or talked about things they were going to do. She was trying really hard to fix their marriage which he was completely over. He was closed minded to all of her attempts. He had already decided he was leaving and that was that. He kept telling me over and over not to give up on him because he was going to get there. He was going to do what he had to for us to be together. I fell for it. He did finally move out. After that I never doubted him for a second. I felt that if he went that far for me we were actually going to be together. We went from sneaking around in different locations to be together to just meeting at the house he moved into. It was like he just didn’t care about us being caught anymore. We hadn’t been caught yet. His wife did eventually hire a PI and caught me meeting him one night and knew that I spent the night over there. She called me the next morning to tell me that she knew and not long after that he called and we discussed it. We decided it would be best that I take medical leave for a little bit until the newness of the rumor died down and also so I wouldn’t have to see his wife initially ( she works there too). I did take leave for about 4 wks. During this time we still talked all of the time and nothing had changed. We met one Friday before he went out of town with his kids and still everything was fine with us. He always calls me after we have been together. I missed his call that night but immediately called him back. He didn’t answer. I didn’t talk to him the next day either. The day after that he called and I didn’t answer. ( I was in the middle of something and couldn’t talk then). After that it changed. He started acting weird and didn’t call much almost like he was avoiding me. I was trying to be sensitive to the fact that he was prob going thru alot with his family so although I was dying on the inside I didn’t make an issue of it. I planned on going back to work the following week. The weekend before I went back to work I texted him and he didn’t respond. I got upset and text him again asking him why it was that when I needed him most he was unavailable to me. He textede back and said he was upstairs in the bed which meant he was back at his house that he shared with his wife. I went back to work the next day and things were very tense. I was confused because that wasn’t ordinary behavior for him or us. I told him we needed to talk so we met At the rental house to talk. When we got there his phone buzzed and it was his wife. I was upset and I blurted out that he should just go ahead and say it, say he moved back home. He responded that he had to. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I wasnt really expecting him to say that. I was devastated. I still had to work with him which hurt initially. I worked about 3 more days and was then told my position was eliminated. Now I have no job. ( he had nothing to do with this. It was hospital related since he was my boss and our relationship was public now) I was angry with him though just because he was the one really hurting me and I would have a job if I hadn’t been involved with him. He called me sometimes just to check on me but was very professional acting. I felt like he was acting this way because he knew I was hurt and angry with him. He called one day after not talking for about a week. He said he had a meeting and wanted to know if I wanted to have lunch. I did and we had a great time. Just like the old us. 2 days after that he asked me to lunch again. I went and again we had a great time. He didn’t call for a while and I was going nuts. When he did call I had a moment of weakness and asked him to come over. That was the first time we were physically together since all of this. He came over the next night and we just watched a movie. Again no contact for a week after that. Out of the blue he called and we talked for a few hours. Completely normal us again. I felt so close to him again. He called me that night and asked if he could come see me. He had something to give me that he got me on vacation. He stayed over and we had a wonderful evening. He kept telling me that he loves me. He was so loving and affectionate. He called the next day and asked if he could come over again that night just to drop something off. I told him it would be fine. That was that. He never called that night and never showed up. That’s not at all like him. I fought the urge to call him. I refused to call him just as I refused to ask him over after I did the first time. I am not going to chase him and make a fool of myself. That’s where I am now. So what gives? If he really wanted to make it work with his wife why would he have risked it by seeing me again? I kinda felt like we were so close the last time we were together and it scared him but I’m not sure. I need to add that he told me his daughter told him she hated him on that weekend they went out of town. He told me also that he had to try to work it out with his wife. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me. I just can’t figure out how he can all of a sudden treat me like this. My heart is broken. I’m hurt and Confused. I think about him all of the time and cry alot. I miss him. HELP!!!!!!
My married lover was my boss. I was in a relationship of 7 years when I started working for him. His wife got me the job; we were actually working together at a previous company.
We hit if off right away. We really enjoyed each others company. We started flirting at work, and one thing led to another and we started a relationship. Soon after, I left my relationship. I was happy and couldn’t split my love in two.
Unlike other posts, his wife did figure it out within a few months. We spent all day at work together, and they all evening at my place. We couldn’t get enough of each other. I never pushed what was going to happen in the future. I loved him so much; so deep in my soul. We had to see each other everyday. We even saw each other Christmas Day.
But after a year, my heart started to hurt. Everytime he walked out the door at night to go home to his wife killed me. I couldn’t understand how she was putting up with it. She would email me, callimg me all sorts of horrible names, but never putting any blame on her husband. She said she was putting my name as the reason on the divorce papers. But still, this wasn’t the way I wanted him to be with me. I wanted him to make the decision to leave her. Not come running to me because she finally had enough. He never promised me that he would leave. Instead, he told me he felt guilty about leaving her and felt it was his responsibility to take care of the house and finances. They have a daughter, but she is 20 years old.
Anyway, over the past few months, things have changed. I’ve become bitter and angry. And I know why. It’s because I love him so much, and all I ever wanted was for him to love me the same way in return. It’s because I’m always putting him as a priority, but lately I’m just a choice.
My heart hurts, but I know it is for the best. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me - fully. I miss him already.
Spelling error in above. In the second paragraph, when I say “I was happy and couldn’t split my love in two”. I meant to type I wasn’t happy. Meaning I was not happy in my 7 year relationship.
Hey,
I think you did the right thing. You shouldn’t have to share a man. Either he’s with you or he isn’t. I too have been in the same situation. I messed with a married man. I too ended it because it just wasn’t right…I thought about how would I feel if I were married and my husband cheated on me. Karma is a you know what and I hope that one day that mistake will not come back and bite me in the ass. So I understand that you feel like because of the town you live in there isn’t much hope, well there’s always hope especially when you least expect. That’s what I’ve learned anyway. I think sometimes we women try so hard and end up with the wrong ones instead of letting things happen on their own. You will get over this, just give it time.
Stacey,
Girlfriend, leave this dude alone!!!! This situation has caused nothing but heartache and pain. You shouldn’t have to live your life this way. If you two were supposed to be together then you would be right? It just seems like a game with him, he goes back to his wife then comes back to you because he knows he has you wrapped around his finger. You’ve already lost your job over this, I would leave it alone now.
Hi Damaria!
I have a question. If a guy says that he plans to tell one of my girlfriends about our past relationship (my MM), that is disrespectful, right? Is that still necessary?
And why don’t I feel mad about it? My initial reaction is supposed to be angry with it but I don’t. Is there something wrong with me?
Hey Hummingbird
Why would he say he’s going to tell one of your girlfriends about your past relationship? Is it a threat, like he hopes you will lose face with your girlfriend? Or is he hoping your girlfriend will encourage you two to get back together? Or is he claiming that if people know about your past relationship, it shows he loves you and you’re no longer a secret? Either way, it is inappropriate for him to talk to anyone related to you about your relationship. She’s not his friend. It’s not up to him to tell her what’s going on with your life. The people he needed to tell; failed to tell, were his wife and family. that’s it.
As for why you don’t feel mad? I’m hoping it’s because you have moved on and the relationship is no longer something that defined you. I’m hoping it means that to you, it happened, you moved on and it no longer matters who knows about it, because we all make mistakes and for you it’s over.
And nope, there’s nothing wrong with you. Hopefully, you learnt a lot about yourself and gained more confidence in yourself out of thi mess. And maybe, you feel your girlfriend loves you and will probably be a bit annoyed /suprised you kept a secret of that magnitude from her, but it won’t be a deal breaker; you’ll still be good friends.
HOW DARE THOSE OF YOU..AND WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR PAIN YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.THINK OF THE FAMILY THAT WAS HURT… THEY FEEL FAR MORE PAIN THAN YOU DO….THE LOVE OF THEIR LIVE IS IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND HIDE IT PEOPLE LIKE YOU SHOULD GET A CHANCE TO BE IN LOVE OR HAVE SOMEONE FALL IN LOVE WITH THEM..AND ITS TURN WHTA THEY SAY WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND….MAYBE IM BEING BETTER BUT I HOPE YOU HAVE TO SUFFER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE FOR THE PAN YOU HAVE CAUSED UPON THE OTHER FAMILY……
@savanna - I’m very sorry for your pain. The intention of this web site is not to negate the pain that extra-marital affairs cause families, or to say that the people involved in the affair ( both the man and the woman) should not be held accountable for their actions. They are, and they should be. That is why we encourage them to break off the relationship.
I also want to point out to all our readers that while we encourage couples to be faithful to each other, and to be honest with their partners (OneLove means no secrets and no lies), this site is also not about judging peopl
Hi Damaria!
Thanks for your reply. I guess, I have fully moved on now, huh? One indication is not being bothered by any of it. I’m glad.
I don’t know what his intentions are. It’s a puzzle to me until now. But I know, within myself, that I will never do that again. It’s only his friendship that I am after but if he continues to behave the way you put it (like threatening to get what he wants), then maybe I should keep distance again.
Thanks so much!
My pleasure, Hummingbird. Good luck, and I hope you do find your one and faithful love.
Love and living. Its all i can say.
Thanks Damaria, Savanna was out of tune.
still want to emphasis that this site helped millions of people,,, including me!
thanks
@onelove- you’re welcome. glad we could help.