During our research on multiple concurrent partnerships in Malawi, married women felt strongly, and married men and youths felt less strongly, that they would first discuss the matter to find the way forward, if they found out that their partners had multiple concurrent partners.
They said that they would wait to get concrete evidence and not rely on rumours. “I still think that the best thing to do is to confront him and try to ask him to change his ways. If he understands [that it hurts you] he might change,” one married woman said.
Get evidence first
The majority of the people who were interviewed agreed that you should get evidence of the other relationship first before you confront your partner.
A number of married men said:
“When you hear that your wife is having an affair you should first find evidence because you might lose your wife.”
“People think differently. I can give her a chance to explain. If she confirms that she really has found another man, I can demand an explanation from her. If I find that her problems are not solvable, I can let her continue with the new man and I can find another woman.”
“Firstly you go and discuss with her to hear her suggestions because sometimes it is just a rumour.”
End the relationship
Married men and youths felt that once they discovered that their wives had other sexual relationships, they would end their relationship or marriage right away.
The main reason for this was to avoid HIV or other sexually transmitted infections.
“When you hear that she is talking nonsense you just end the relationship,” one married man said.
“Yes it’s good to leave her because you and the other man are different. I don’t know him and he doesn’t know you. He can infect you with HIV,” another married man said.
Many women interviewed would not choose to end the relationship first. This was mostly due to the fear of being unable to provide for themselves and their children.However, they would find ways to protect themselves.
Use a condom
A number of married Malawian women felt that if they discovered that their husbands had another sexual relationship they would insist that they start using condoms to prevent HIV infection.
“I wouldn’t abandon my marriage because I have found out that my husband is having an affair because of fear of suffering with my children due to poverty. I would just refuse having unprotected sex with him. That’s all,” one woman said.
Test for HIV
Women also felt that it would be advisable to go for HIV testing. Some of the married men shared this view.
“If I found out that my partner was cheating on me I would confront him about it and ask him to come with me for VCT (Voluntary Counselling and Test) and if he refused to do so then I wouldn’t have sex with him again because I would fear that he would infect me with HIV and if I was already infected I wouldn’t wish to multiply the virus,” one woman said.
“It is good to take her to the hospital for a blood test and after that you should sit down and talk because she is going to [have an affair] again and you might be infected and so tell her that it is best to part when both of you are still not infected; if she is going to get infected you do not want to be involved,” one married man said.
What if you already have HIV?
Some women felt that it would not be helpful to end the relationship if they had already slept with the partner and were already infected with HIV.
“I would just dump him if I hadn’t slept with him. But if I’d already slept with him, I’d continue going out with him, because maybe I’d already contracted the virus,” one young woman said.
Married women also felt that it is virtually impossible for them to end their marriages, as the husband is usually the breadwinner.
“There is too much poverty in our area therefore we stay on in that relationship because we are afraid that if we leave our husbands then we will suffer together with the children,” a number of married women said.
“The problem is that even when you try to threaten him so that he may quit having affairs outside marriage he can’t do so unless he truly wants to quit. Therefore, because we are afraid of suffering with our children due to poverty if we break up with him, we just stay on in such a relationship even when we know that we are subjected to a high risk of HIV infection,” one woman said.
Talk about it
Join our ongoing discussion and tell us “What you would you do if you suspected that your partner was cheating on you.”
You can also give suggestions on your proposed way forward if you were the one found to have multiple concurrent partners.
